Day 30: The End is Nigh

This is the end of the year blog post in which I look back over the past year and attempt to summarize it in a witty and entertaining fashion while still managing to share a nugget of wisdom. 

Usually when I sit down to do this I've some sense of how to summarize the past year.  It's often rather cut and dry.  I'm either excited (This past year was awesome and I am so looking forward to what next year brings!) or I'm relieved (Last year sucked chunks and I'm so glad it's over. Next year can only be better).  2014 though is neither of these things.  I can't say that I look back with a major sense of  accomplishment nor can I say that I'm glad it's over. What I do seem to be feeling is a sense of not being quite finished...

I'm heading into 2015 with what feels like a million things still in progress.

• I'm three semesters away from finishing school.
• I was just accepted into an international study program that is an amazing opportunity and I'm trying to figure out how in the world I'm going to pay for it. It is also going to be a three month interruption in my life and certain things will need to be put on hold until I return.
• My creative career, such as it is, is in flux.  I've found myself heading in a very new direction with my performances which I really want to pursue further but it might mean having to let go of other things (which is never an easy process).
• Okay, that's only three things but those a three really, really BIG things.  And truthfully, I'm kinda freaking out a little.

For most of my life I didn't make plans.  I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life.  Now here I am at almost 43 and I finally (FINALLY!!) feel like I'm headed in some sort of direction.  I keep telling myself that that not knowing what I want to do and having some idea of what I want but not knowing how it will turn out are just two different sorts of uncertainty.  I've lived with uncertainty for this long; why start freaking out,  about it now? Right?

RIGHT??!!

Uh...right. 

Well, here I am, at the end of 2014 looking uncertainty in the face.  I'm hoping that I will either stare it down or we will shake hands and learn to be friends. I will be sure to let you know how it all turns out.  

Day 29: Existance and Death

Thanks to the Imagination Prompt Generator I find myself contemplating my existence and death.

What do you sense you are supposed to do before your life is over?

Contemplating my existence and death are actually not uncommon things for me to do.  I spend more time than I should ruminating about both. When it comes to contemplating my existence I find myself asking why am I here (I don't know), what my motivation is to continue to exist (I've so much I want to do!!!) and finally how will I get it all done before I die?  Shit.  It's time to get busy.

Honestly I don't think I'm "supposed" to do anything.  I mean the only basic imperative we have, as dictated by out biology, is to exist long enough to pass on our genes, right?  If only life were that simple.  Yes we are mammals with all the basic biological urges as any other mammal but we also have these big brains that think...a lot.  We ponder things, we can imagine things and we also have this drive to make the things we imagine come to life. So I'd amend the above; whether it's babies or ideas we have a deeply rooted urge to create.

If that is what we as humans are supposed to do than I am grateful because I have a near compulsion to create.  I create with fiber, cloth, music, dance, words, paint, paper; I can't stop myself from doing it. Even in an empty room I will soon find myself humming or composing poetry aloud.  I find my inspiration in my experiences.  Sometimes those experiences are direct, such as travel, and other times it is the words of others and their stories. Along with this compulsion to create is the desire to share those creations.  Which of course means I need a community to share it with.

In looking back at the above question of "what do you sense you are supposed to do before your life is over?"  I'd respond with the following list:

1. Experience as much of the world and the ideas that fill it as I can.
2. Create.  Bring those ideas and experiences to life. 
3. Share those creations.
4. Build community.

And finally, do as much of it as I possibly can before I die!

Day 28: Stuck

I'm stuck. 

I've browsed my favorite blog prompt sites and nothing has struck me.  I've drifted through Pinterest boards to no avail.  I've scrolled through old blog posts seeking inspiration.  And it is not quite time for my end of the year list  (I prefer to save the "Then best things of ___" and "10 things I hope for in ____" for the second to last and last day of the year).  So here I sit face to face with a serious case of writer's block.

Which leaves me with basically two choices:

1. Give up
2. Write about my writer's block

I'm going for option number two because however it might go or whatever words pour out of me, I will end up with a blog post.  It may not be my best post, but it will at least exist.

This is the part of the Month of Blogging that is always a challenge for me.  I choose to do the month of blogging for a couple of reasons, the challenge of it, the discipline of developing a daily writing habit (though it never seems to stick around for long once school begins again) and to force myself to face my inclination towards perfectionism when it comes to my writing. 

I want every post to be moving in some way.  Whether you laugh or cry or get angry I want my words to somehow touch you.  I want the story that I tell to be clear and well told with prose that flows easily into your mind.  I want to paint a vivid picture for the reader so they walk away with an understanding of what I am trying to say.  Fitting 30 days of perfect blog posts into my life is not something that is achievable, there will be some posts that are better than others.

And so I have come to accept that there will be days, like today, where the inspiration does not come easily.  I will struggle to find the words that convey when is in my heart.  And I may fail in the attempt. 

I am not sure if today is one of those days, but it is okay with me if it is.

Day 27: Five Things that Bring Me Joy

The first blog prompt that came up on The Imagination Prompt Generator was "Create a list of your 10 sorrows." 

Ummmm...nope, so not going there today. 

So I decided instead to list five things that bring me joy.  I picked five just because, well, I wanted to keep it short as I do have a tendency to go on.  Anyway, here we go.

1. My kitty.  It does not matter what sort of day I have had Miss Pickles will always bring a smile to my face.  Her sweet eyes, her soft chirpy mews, the ways she gets way too excited about her string toy, her endless cuddles.  She is my sweet girl and I luvs her!

2. Teaching.  I started teaching dance two years ago and I am absolutely in love with doing it.  Seeing a student learn and grow, being a witness to their progress just makes my heart buzz with joy.  And though it seems cliche, it is true that I learn as much, if not more, from my students.  The entire experience of teaching brings so much happiness into my life.

3. Performing.  I am not at all sure that I can express with words the joy that performing brings me.  Whether playing music, doing a spoken word piece,  dancing or creating performance art, I love sharing art with an audience.  Yes, there is the direct reward of applause but I think for me the greatest joy comes from creating that shared moment that comes from the performer-audience connection. When that connection is there it is no longer just a performance being presented on a stage, but something entirely new is born through that shared experience.  There is really nothing else like it for me.

4. Movement. Dancing, walking, weightlifting, running, snowshoeing, skipping, swaying, any sort of movement brings me to my happy place.  If it's movement to music, that is a bonus ;-)

5. Music.  In the past five years I have fallen back in love with music.  I love to listen to it, dance to it, sing to it and most of all make it.  These days music is a part of my life in a way it has not been since I was a teenager.   I'm grateful to have it back.

And finally this:  every one of these things is often even better when shared.  I love seeing folks smile with glee at seeing Miss Pickles antics; teaching is never done alone; collaboration on performance with other artists; sharing a walk, a trek, a dance with another person; and music...I do love to make music with other people.  My friends, those that I love, bring my great joy no matter what we are doing together.

Sooooo...now it's your turn.  What five things bring you joy?

Day 26: Deep Thoughts

It is apparently Deep Thought Friday over at BlogHer.  Today's blog prompt is:

Gandhi said, "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." Agree or disagree? Is there more to happiness than that?

I don't believe that happiness is a permanent state of being.  Happiness is as transient as any other emotion, but I do think it is possible to find some sort of state of general overall contentment or sense of well being. AND I do think the above quote does have something to do with it...sort of.

There has been a fair amount written lately about how having a life that has meaning can be more important, and more achievable, than trying to create a life that is filled with happiness.  Some even say that happiness is the altogether wrong thing to pursue and that in the end, if you chase after happiness, you will find yourself feeling let down.  I have to say that I agree.

When I, for example, look at my return to school and I ask myself does it make me happy?  I'd say that most of the time it does not.  Each semester I struggle with high amounts of stress as I try to balance homework, creative pursuits and working.  I give up most of my social life and feel quite lonely at times.  There are fleeting moments of happiness such as when I do well on a paper, or become entranced by a new idea, and I'm sure that when I am finally done I will feel whole heaps of happy, but over all school is mostly a difficult and time consuming struggle.  Despite this I keep going.

Why?

Because I know that I am working towards something. Not just a degree, but something larger in that it is providing me with the skills to pursue an idea that will not only help me to make a living doing something I enjoy but will, in the long term, help other artists to pursue their dreams too.  If I based my decision of whether or not to keep going with school on the amount of immediate happiness it brings me, I'd have quit long ago!

So I do in part agree with the above quote.  I have a general sense of what my purpose is and I find meaning in pursuing it.  And while it might not bring me to a steady state of happiness, I know too that if I still worked in a 9 to 5 high stress job and relegated my more meaning filled pursuits to the level of hobby, I'd be one very, very, very UNhappy woman.  

Day 25: Christmas

I spent today with my mum.  We had plentiful food and drink (all of it delicious). We lounged around watching movies on Hulu and Netflix (some good, some...well, meh).  We of course had great company.

It was the perfect way to spend Christmas.  

Happy Holidays to all!

Day 24: Three things

Today's blog prompt is courtesy of Imagination Prompt Generator.

Name three reasons you should get out of bed tomorrow.

1. I'll likely have to pee when I wake up and though I'll want nothing more than to close my eyes and sleep for five more minutes, I can't hold it forever. 

2. Food.  Today I leave for my Mum's place for Christmas.  We are spending the day eating yummy food and watching totally junky stuff on Hulu and Netflix.  I can't wait!

3. Coffee.  Maybe it's due to caffeine addiction or maybe it's the feeling of the warm cup in my hands and the happy shiver that runs through me when I take that first sip, but I do love my first cup of coffee in the morning.  Coffee time is my time.

4. (yes I know it asked for three) The cat.  No matter what sickness, hangover, or dread at facing the day I might be feeling I have to get out of bed to feed Miss Pickles.  

Yeah, I know.  Nothing earth shattering here.  No big "hey, it's a new day and I'm happy to be alive" platitudes.  Nope, what gets this lady out of bed in the morning are my basic bodily needs. Once I have emptied the bladder, had my coffee and put food in my belly THEN I can maybe think about the bigger things like what I actually need to accomplish on that particular day or figuring out if my existence has any sort of purpose. 

And truly, NOTHING is getting done until the cat has had her breakfast.