My Not a Vacation

I spent the past two weeks housesitting.  I've been warm from my head to my toes and my belly has been full.  I've had full nights of restful sleep in a bed that is soft, cozy and hard to leave.  I've had space to be alone with my thoughts and to quiet my head.  For these past two weeks I've existed with a rare feeling of security and it has made world of difference in my state of mind.

This is the first time in quite a while that I have not only had a long span of time to be alone in my head but I've not driven my self crazy doing so (in fact I'm not sure I can recall the last time I was able to that).  I find myself sorting thoughts without obsessing over them.   I am writing more, mostly in my journal, making observational notes about  my state of mind, what thoughts are dancing in my head and  at the very beginning of realizing it's okay to let go of some things.

It hasn't all been quiet contemplation.  I've still worked nearly every day and I've still had school and the associated homework including two midterms.  I had several shows with my troupe and one solo performance.  I've still had to keep up with bookings, my dance practice, writing and general life stuff.  I've spent social time with friends.  This has not been a vacation in the traditional sense though.

What it has been is an escape into a world where all of my basic needs have been adequately met.  I can't help but think that if every human being could be assured of having these things every day the world would in general be a much happier place.

-----------------

Just to be clear, when I am not housesitting I am not starving or living on the streets, however given my current financial circumstances I, like many of us, live paycheck to paycheck with little left for any sort of extras.  The thermostat is kept at the minimum (multiple layers are a way of life), food is very, very basic (and I'm not sure the calories are always adequate), my lungs are often in flare-up (which has not been an issue at all here) and I worry nearly constantly about money (how will I make rent, pay for oil, food and other utilities)   Because of all these things I often don't sleep well which probably contributes greatly to an anxiety prone, non-peaceful state of mind.  

I know I am not the only person who lives this way these days and certainly not the only one amongst my friends.  It is not a frequent topic of discussion as I don't think we want to dwell on our troubles, but it has been mentioned.  Times are tight for so many; when I look at my own circumstances and the impact it has on my state of mind, then expand that to our community at large which includes so many who have even less, is it any wonder that there appears to be so much struggle in the world these days. Such a minor change in circumstance has made such a difference for me and I'm sure would do so for so many others. 

I am grateful for that which I do have but having even a short time where a few of  these basic necessities (warmth, food and breathing clearly) have not been a worry has been rather blissful.  I've only a few days left before someone else takes over for the last couple weeks of the owners vacation…and the truth is I don't want to leave here yet.   

A lack of perfection...

I am not perfect.  Okay, take a moment, let that sink in.  Now breathe.  I'm not perfect.

I try to live up to the standards of behavior I set for myself. Most days I think I'm pretty much successful.  There are however times that I am not.   Yes, it's true.  I am full of flaws, imperfections and character defects.  I make mistakes and sometimes I do things that are downright stupid.  I can be impulsive, sometime resulting in actions that are not in my best interest.   On occasion I'm even selfish.

It is difficult at times to accept this.  Not that I expect perfection of myself, I don't, and most mistakes are easily remedied   The rest, even the really awful ones, I try to process, correct, and learn from as best I can.  However, while I'm a pretty forgiving person when it comes to others, I am much harder on myself.

The fact is I want to be told that I'm okay.  I want to know that even if I do something really stupid or less than honorable that I am still at heart a good person.  Maybe this comes from being raised in a culture where external reward and validation is expected.  Pats on the back and gold stars are a part of everyone's upbringing.  It feels good to be told we are okay, and it feels awful when the reward does not appear and we assume this means something is wrong with us.

It occurred to me today that this is what so many of us seek in romantic partnerships.  We want to have someone there to tell us they love us because we want to know that we are worthy of being loved.  To find ourselves without a partner or a life mate might mean something is wrong with us and so we end up settling for a pairing that may be less than ideal or perhaps even unhealthy.  Instead of seeking a way to find that acceptance within ourselves, we continue to seek it outside.

We've all heard that old saying about having to learn to love yourself before you can learn to truly love someone else, and I'm beginning to believe that there really is a lot of truth in that.