Run! Hide!

I've made the commitment to some big changes in my life over the past month.  I've also started some long delayed creative projects.  Last night (for some reason Sunday's are my anxiety night - likely due to its close proximity to Monday) I lay in bed, in the dark, worried about failing, wondering if I am really competent and capable enough to accomplish all of this.

Since one of my more recent goals is to attempt to achieve at least six hours of sleep a night, I took a Valium at about midnight and was asleep shortly thereafter.  

Fear

It seems that no matter how many people we have in our lives who care for us and support us, when we face those moments when we are truly afraid, we do so alone.

I'm in one of those times now.  For years I've been dealing with on going fatigue, loss of feeling in my upper extremities, pain from muscle spasms and lost of strength in my muscles.  After years of repeated physical therapy and work to strengthen my body and continued return of symptoms I'm finally being referred to a neurologist for nerve conduction tests.

I know what this means.  I know it means that there is possible permanent nerve damage and I'm trying not to let my mind go to the worst.  I am afraid because some of the greatest joy in my life comes from what I do with my body.  Dancing, cooking, eating, performing...the thought that any of that could be taken away from me sooner than what would be expected with old age terrifies me.

I am afraid.