Folks, we need options...

“I’ve met this really wonderful person, who I really, really like…but I’m just not sure I want to be somebody’s boyfriend.”

The above was expressed by a friend of mine who recently started dating someone new after an extended period of being single.  While he very much seems to be enjoying the process of getting to know this person and spending time with them, he also has concerns about giving up the things that he has come to value during the period he has spent alone.   There is a lot of freedom that goes along with being by yourself; your life and your time are yours to do with as you see fit and that is something many of us give up when we start to feel that familiar tickle of falling in love.  

Of course we are told that this is what is supposed to happen.  You are supposed to meet someone, fall head over heels, move in together and perhaps even finally take the walk down the aisle where the two become one and live happily ever after.  Even if a couple never takes the step of formal vows, there is still more often than not the expectation that the ‘we’ is now more important that the ‘I’ and The Relationship becomes the guide for nearly all future action.  We are no longer two individuals, but half of a pair and somehow this is supposed to make us feel like complete people. 

And perhaps that is the problem.  We aren’t ever really given any other options, we are either single or not.  While I have no plans to ever live with someone or to marry, I do date and I do like to have, you know, companionship.  I also believe it is possible to love someone and to have a shared experience without having to merge every part of your life with theirs.  In fact for me, keeping my life separate is very likely going to be what would allow me to have a more fulfilling long term romantic relationship than if I live with someone.

You see one of the best things about spending all of this time alone is that I have come to know myself in a way that was never possible before.  Not only have I had the time and space to get to know myself inside and out, but I have also found ways to meet all of my needs on my own.  Everything from buying groceries to figuring out what to do with my time on the weekends has been thought about and decided upon by me.  And one thing that I have come to learn is that I don’t need another person in my life 24 hours a day to meet my needs or make me happy.   

What does this mean in terms of relationships?  It means that anyone who may be in my life is there because I want them to be there.  It means that I can spend time with them without any unattainable Prince or Princess Charming ideal hanging about in the back of my mind.  They don’t have to be anyone other than who they are because whatever they bring into my life is a bonus and a gift.  In addition, I am also more able to give freely of myself because I can give without expectation.

Most of us do this already with our friendships.  While there is an exchange of affection and love in a friendship, we don’t have the expectation that any of our friends will be the piece of our personal puzzle that makes us feel like a whole human being. 

So maybe we need to find a new ideal.   Perhaps what we should be doing is learning to be whole individuals first because the fact is that no one can do that for us, not a friend or a lover.  Whether we live alone, as part of a couple, forever dating or as frequently visiting neighbors across the hall, the only person who  can make any of us feel complete is us, and if we attain that first we might find  we are better equipped to give of ourselves without giving our self up.

No prunes...

Word is getting around that I have pulled myself from the dating market.  The response to this has been quite varied.  One friend told me of her experiences with six years of being single and told me it was the best thing she ever did for herself. This was really just about the only fully positive response I received.  Another friend looked at me and started crying, and told me she was sad that I was so badly hurt by my last relationship that I was giving up.  A certain family member has heavily hinted that I must just have commitment issues.  Even my therapist thinks that I’m a little bit wonky and expressed some concern that I might end up old and alone. 

Yes, I have stepped back from dating.  This simply means that I am not taking the time to actively seek out a partner.  I’m not listed on any dating website.  I’m not broadcasting my unattached status on facebook.  When I go out on the town to have fun, it is just to do that, have fun and not to cruise the bars looking for a date or a hook-up.   When I dress up for such nights, it’s because I want to look good for me, not for anyone else.  Does this mean I’ve given up on love? 

In short, absolutely not.  What it does mean is that I’m not going to spend my time seeking out second best.  It means that if there is a One and Only out there for me, then I’m much more likely to meet said One by doing the things that I love to do, and by living my life in a way that doesn’t compromise myself.  It also means that this supposed One and Only, should they pop up, needs to make an effort. 

Do I think there is a perfect match for everyone?  I’m not so sure on that one.  I don’t really believe in fate or soul mates, and there is a good chance I could wind up spending my later years by myself, but I do think if I am walking the path that is true to myself, then the things that I want and need will have a much greater chance of coming into my life.  

I do have some lonely nights when I wish that there was someone next to me, holding me in their arms and telling me they love me.  I want to have someone to celebrate achievements and milestones with.  I want comfort when I’m sick or sad.   I want those things but I can also deal with not having them come from just one person.  Right now I have friends to celebrate with and who check on me when I am down or not well.   Heck, I can get the occasional cuddle I want it. 

And before everyone gets all upset thinking that I’m assuming the rest of the world is ‘settling for less’ let me be clear that I am only speaking for myself.  I know many people who are quite happy in their romantic relationships and I know just as many who are not.   I can only know what I want (or really maybe it’s more what I don’t want) and so far, what I’ve been presented with isn’t it. 

So relax my friends.  I’m not intending to dry up and waste away.  I’m not giving up on love or walling in my heart.   I’m simply just choosing not live my life for a maybe-possible someone else.   I'm chosing to live it for me. 

Quirkyalone...and I agree

The other day I came across the website "Quirkyalone"  What is quirky alone?  Well the website offers this definition:

"Quirkyalone: n. adj. a person who enjoys being single (or spending time alone) and so prefers to wait for the right person to come along rather than dating indiscriminately."

The website also adds that quirkyalones are "not opposed to being in a relationship" but "prefer being single to dating for the sake of being in a relationship."

I think there is a lot to be said for this mindset and that it is very similar to where I find myself right now.   I am certainly not opposed to being in a relationship should the right person come along, but I'm not going to make finding that person the focus of my life.  In fact, I think I'd really like to have someone come looking for me for a change (but you know...not in a creepy stalker way).

I find the idea of being wooed a very appealing one and really, with the way my life is now (so much to do, so many places to be, some many things to accomplish)  I don't have the time to chase down and weed out potentials, not mention my track record with picking decent human beings to date?  Utter failure Not so good!  And internet dating, oh boy.  Let's just say that there are no rules about truth in advertising there.

So here's the deal for the hundreds of eligibles that are banging on my door.  If you want to date me you need to be willing to put in the effort to prove to me why I should because if I've learned one thing these past few months, it's that I don't NEED to be in a relationship to be fulfilled or happy.   And I figure, that if I keep doing the things love and living the life I want to live then I'm a heck of a lot more likely to cross paths with a person who has potential, right?

I guess this means I'm discontinuing the search, but I'm not giving up, because I'm definitely keeping my eyes open.  The rest, totally up to you...

Well Said!

Celibacy and prolonged singledom are viable options for a wide variety of women - The Globe and Mail

What a wonderful article about making the choice to be single or even celibate for a time. I'm currently not actively dating. Many of my friends do not understand why I have chosen to do this and while I'm not going to take the time to explain it all here right now, I will say that never before have I felt more empowered to live my life in a fashion of my own choosing.

I'm sure I will date again, but right now I do not need the distraction and my life is very fulfilling and full of love. Thank you to the authors for sharing this!

Oh Henry, I feel your pain...

Of course in my case if they can successfully get past the reading question, "So...are you willing to take a lie detector test?" might likely follow...