Part 2 - Where am I? (or, Wow, it didn't take long for the panic to set in)

A few days ago I looked back at the second half of 2013 and pondered how I managed to survive it.  Until this afternoon I was patting myself on the back, being all self congratulatory because after a weekend away and several nights of good sleep I was feeling quite improved.  I got paid today and it was nice to feel a little less poor for a moment or two.  I bundled up so I could walk to take care of my errands and I revelled a bit in how good it felt to move.

"See?"  I said to myself, "You just needed a little break is all."

And then I looked at the syllabi for my upcoming spring classes.  And then I looked at my calendar and realized I've only a few days before it begins.  And then I thought to myself that I'd better start making plans with people who I want to see socially within the next four days because soon I'll be up to my ears in homework and life will be too busy.  And then I whined and pouted via text to a friend about how little time I had left...after which I reprimanded myself for being a complainer.  And so within a couple of hours I found myself once again on the edge of the panic precipice.

And all the while there was a tiny voice in my head that was trying desperately to tell me to just calm down. Trying to remind me that the semester's start is still a few days away.  That if I don't see everyone I want to see in the next few days it will be okay because they are my friends and they like me enough to stick around.  And that I really should stop indulging my inner angsty teenager and take a deep breath before sending out a barrage of panic texts.  And all the while...I was not listening. 

Some habits are so hard to break...

It was about five or so years ago that I went through a period of extreme anxiety.  I wasn't sleeping and my diet consisted mostly of red wine, ice cream and potato chips.  My stomach was a mess and most days I was convinced I was dying.  For a short time I was on an anti-anxiety medication which did stop the anxiety along with just about every other feeling I had, so after a few months of therapy to figure out what had brought me to that level of intense anxiety I came off the medication and began to learn how to deal with it  I learned what my triggers were, and I learned to spot the signs of an impending panic attack long before it occurred. AND I learned how to do what I needed to in order to prevent them.

And then for five years I stopped having panic attacks.  Until this fall when every bit of self care I'd so carefully learned went right out the window.

When I am overtired and experiencing a lot of stress I become very NOW focused.  Not in the good way of being present in the moment but in the panicky this-is-the-problem-and-I-must-resolve-it-right-now sort of way.  Instead of stepping back to take a longer view (like if I stop now, take a nap, make a list of what needs to be done and tackle it one thing at a time I'll get through this) I just see the big heaping pile of TO DO and start feeling overwhelmed, paralyzed (there is now way I can get this all done NOW) and then the anxiety engine revs on up and now the to do pile is no longer the problem...the anxiety is and so now how do we deal with this feeling because I don't like it and I want it to stop right now!

(and here is where I'm absolutely not going to elaborate on my various unhealthy anxiety coping mechanisms...)

And so now this is where I am.  At the question of, "How do I deal with this?"  And the answer, as I know because a little voice tells me so, isn't found in just a few days of getting away, one or two nights of good sleep or one paycheck or one walk.  It's a continuous diet of all of these things, combined with learning to once again see the signs of impending anxiety so I can do what has to be done to take care of myself. Which is usually something as simple as taking a step back, breathing calmly and recentering.

Simple.  Except of course when the panic is already flowing over me like a wave.
Simple.  Like it was five years ago when I remember first learning to deal with this and I failed over and over again.
Simple.  Until finally there was that one time I caught myself, and I stopped and I took a few breathes and the panic began to subside.
Simple.  As simple as when I did it again...and again...and again.
Simple.

Perhaps one of the bonuses to getting older and accumulating experience is that you begin to realize that "Where I Am" is often also "Where I Was Once Before" and that tucked away somewhere in your life pocket you already have the tools you need.

Part 1 - Where I Went

It is the first Monday of 2014.  At one point, in what now seems like a past life in which I had time, I had a habit of writing a blog post twice a week.  Then fall 2013 happened.  I loaded myself up with five classes, a second job and the expectation that somehow I'd be able to maintain the rest of my already jam packed life. In my mind I was some sort of superwoman powerhouse who, with my superhuman scheduling abilities and short night sleeping habits, would not only get it all done but do it with a smile on my face. At the end I'd be looking at every one else and saying, "What you didn't think I could do this? Piece. Of. Cake."

I was wrong.  I was very wrong.  By mid-September I knew that piling it on like this was a mistake.  At that point of course I was committed.  If I wanted to finish earning my degree by Fall 2014 I had to push through these five classes.  I couldn't drop the second job because I desperately needed the money and even with it I was struggling to make ends meet, feed myself and my feline companions.  Creative commitments were piled up too, most of them collaborative in nature, and I wasn't going to back out or let anyone down on that front either.

By mid-October the tired began to creep in.  I relied greatly on my obsessiveness about writing things down and setting the reminder alarm on my iPhone so that it's chime would alert me to where I needed to be in the next 15 minutes.  Still I started to fall behind.  Every evening was jam packed with homework and  keeping up with performance responsibilities.  My social life became non-existent as I cancelled dinner and lunch plans and stopped going out dancing.   I not only lacked the time to make such commitments but I also felt I simply wasn't all that pleasant to be around.  I seemed unable to do anything but talk about how exhausted I was and when I wasn't talking about that I was distracted because I was thinking of all I could be doing at that moment.   I seemed to have no time for writing, dancing or music and certainly no time to just sit and be still.

"I just have to make to to December.  I just have to make it to December.  I just have to make it to December," became my mantra.

The crankies set in and I ended many days with tears and questioning whether or not I could do this.  Due to a self feeding cycle of anxiety and lack of sleep I became an emotional sieve.  I could hold nothing in.  I cried daily...sometimes hourly.  I was snippy and short tempered.  I lacked any shred of diplomacy in most interactions.  When I was happy it was with almost manic giddiness.  The one thing I seemed unable to feel was any sense of peace.

(I just have to make it to December.)

On top of all of this my elderly cat began to have unexplained seizures which after over $1000 in veterinary bills is yet to be explained.  I began to have trouble with my own health issues as my asthma flared up again and again likely triggered by stress.  I couldn't afford to purchase the medication that I needed to keep it under control (and the stress I was under was certainly NOT helping with that).  Bills piled up and I began to make yet more cuts in my life, this time on food.  My diet was pretty much devoid of fresh vegetables and became a steady diet of rice and beans, which generally left me standing over a stove before a meal wondering if I wanted to actually bother to eat.

(I just have to make it to December...or maybe January)

At this point something quite amazing happened.  An anonymously given gift certificate to Trader Joe's appeared in my mailbox one day. The next a Hannaford gift certificate from my mother arrived in the mail. Other friends brought over homemade canned goods and even the treat of some homebrewed wine.  My father gifted me with a heated mattress pad for my bed after learning how cold my bedroom became at night. There were even gifts to help out with my and my kitty's medications and bills.  It was all unexpected, very needed and truly if not of these acts of kindness I'm not sure I'd have made it.

(I just need to make it to December)

My grades suffered and though I ended the semester with three As and a B, I also earned my first ever C. And I earned it.   School is something that has generally always been easy for me and it was one of the reasons I thought I could pull off five classes.  I was wrong.  I found myself fighting to keep above a D and knowing that I had to earn a C in the class to have it count towards my degree I contacted the professor. who told be exactly what I needed to do to earn it.  100's on all my remaining homework and quizzes (which I did) and at least a 63 on my final exam (I pulled of an 85).   In the end it brought my GPA to a level that, while still quite respectable, is far lower than I'd like it to be.

(I just need to make it to...oh, wait...)

I finally did make it to December and I thought when I walked out of my last final exam that I would feel some sense of relief but it didn't come.  Looming on the horizon was a New Year's Eve show in Boston with my troupe for which we needed to rehearse, create costuming and make travel arrangements for.  Due to weather, holiday schedules and the unexpected lateness of a funds payout everything was crammed into the last week before the show.  My late and mostly sleepless nights continued.  Once again a few folks stepped into assist and thanks to the busy hands of my fellow troupe members we had what we needed for the show and I was able to get a few extra hours of sleep the night before our performance.

The show went well (everyone was on the top of their game) and it was so very nice to toast in the new year with my fellow troupe members, many of whom were witness to all of my emotional ups and downs.  My social interactions had been minimal in the prior months, if not for the continued efforts of a few close friends who pestered me often to take a few minutes to do something other than work (and who I thank immensely for their patience and tolerance), I'd have had none at all.  New Year's Eve after our show was a reminder that I need to allow the time to enjoy the company of those I call friends.

On the train ride home I finally began to relax.  I found myself nodding off and gave into the pleasure of a nap.  When I arrived home I collapsed for two hours and later that evening, when I finally went to bed I made sure I would sleep.  I took two benadryl, turned on my white noise machine and put in earplugs.  I did not have to work until 10:00 the next day and so finally, after months of existing on two to four hours of sleep a night I managed a solid night of it.

This weekend I was able to get out of town to visit a friend and spent time reading by the fire, eating good food, having late night conversations that were not about how tired I was, spend time in the winter woods snowshoeing and yes, getting more sleep.  I'm not 100 percent yet, but I'm on my way.

So I made it.  Somehow I made it through all of this.  The new semester begins in one week and I plan to spend this week doing not much other than working.  I'll be taking four classes this time, still a heavy load but I think more manageable than five.  I am making some rules for myself about making sure I keep aside enough time for real self care and to do the things that feed my soul.

Like many of us I thought in the past that I knew what my limits were and I realize now that I only had an inkling.   The level of emotional stress and exhaustion I felt brought me to a very dark place.  Though I still don't know how close to the edge I came,  I feel like I have turned a corner and that I have a good chance of finding some sort of balance again in the coming year.

So you want to be a non-traditional student...

At the beginning of every school year there are numerous articles shared on news sites and blogs that give all sorts of advice to incoming college freshman. They offer ways to deal with homesickness, how to make friends, doing laundry and keeping up with homework. It's all generally pretty good advice and if you are your typical college freshman, living in a dorm and college IS your life they can be quite helpful. But what about the rest of us?

What about those of us who already have well established lives with jobs, families, a strong circle of friends, hobbies, and living spaces to maintain? Making a return to school, whether part-time or full-time will be a huge adjustment for us too. Where is the “What You Should Know About Returning to College When You Already Have a Life?” Well, it's here, finally. At least here are five pieces of advice I wish I'd been given when I decided to make the return to school.

1. You will question your sanity. (and likely loose your shit at least once) It may happen on a Friday night around 11:30 PM when everyone else in your time zone is either asleep or out sipping fancy cocktails at your favorite bar. Or it will happen as your alarm goes off at 4:00 AM so you can get up early enough to squeeze in a run before you head to the library to give your paper one last review before handing it in. Or it may happen in a class when you realize every evening of your week is booked and the professor just asked you to squeeze one more assignment into your schedule and you suddenly break into tears. It will happen. It will likely happen more than once but you will be okay.

You've just taken what is your already full time life and heaped 10 to 15 hours of classes and another 20 hours of homework on top of it. That's like taking on a second full-time job. Life can go from busy to go-go-go-go! It's going to be a major adjustment. What do you do about it? Take advantage of peace where you find it – sitting beneath a tree between classes, a 20 minute walk in the afternoon or reading a chapter in a non-school book before bed.

My morning coffee time is sacred. It might be the only 15 minutes of sitting still in my day and I treasure it.

2. Sleep is just as important at 30, 40, 50...as it is at 18. Nearly every article out there for new freshmen tells them that they need to make sure they get enough sleep. It holds just a true for those they call non-traditional students. Enough sleep will go far in preventing excessive recurrences of item number one. And here is where the adults have the advantage, while many articles state that most teenagers need anywhere from 8.5 to 10 hours of sleep, we can get by with 8 to 9. That's an extra hour of study time!

Now I know as well as anyone that 8 hours of sleep was a near impossibility for most us before we returned to school (heck I probably average about four to five hours a night if I'm lucky) but try to get a full night as often as you can. It makes a world of difference.

3. Your friends will wonder where you have gone (and you will miss them). You will say, “I'm sorry, I can't (attend the baby shower, potluck, go have a beer, see a movie...etc.) because I have (homework, reading to to do, research, a paper to write...etc),” often enough to sound like a broken record. This part does kind of suck especially if, like me, you were a very social person before you decided to make the return to school. It can be especially hard when you do see your friends and they are all swapping stories about gatherings you were not able to attend. It can be so easy to feel like you are missing out on something and that blows at any age.

First take a moment to recognize that you are doing something important for yourself. You made the decision to return to school because you wanted to. Your friends will recognize that and hopefully be supportive. Second, you will have time that you are not in school. There will be holidays, vacations and summer break. During these times you can make an extra effort to spend time with those you love. Third, take time to at least make an appearance at the important events like weddings and birthday parties even if you can only stop in for fifteen minutes it will be a way to show you still exist and likely be a nice break from the school grind for you.

And fourth. When you are done all of this and you finally take that walk to be handed your diploma you can throw one hell of a party and invite them all.

4. Don't compare yourself to other students. I'm not talking about those brand new freshmen. I'm talking about the 35 year old mom who is in your sociology class, or the 47 year old man in the suit who rushes into accounting with only seconds to spare, or the 51 year old artist who always has something interesting to say in your intro to lit course (all of whom get straight A's). It can be so easy to say to yourself, “I should be handling this better. I mean so & so is (a mom, a CEO, managing a their own business...) and they can pull it off.” or “Well of course she has it easy. The husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend takes care of dinner and the house while s/he does school work.” or just “Everyone seems to have it soooooo much easier than me.”

Your situation is just that, it's yours. You can't know what the life of another person is like. Those other students may be looking at you and thinking, “Oh this would be so much easier if I were single like her. She must have so much free time on her hands.” Right, because all you did before school was sit around petting the cat and eating nachos. Keep the focus on yourself and your work. You are doing the best you can within your own set of circumstances just as they are.

Finally avoid at all costs that “who has it worse” conversation that inevitably comes up if you have a friend in school at the same time as you. Neither of you will be willing to give up your grip on the gold medal for exhaustion so why go there?

5. Recognize that it this has an end. Every semester brings you one step closer and at some point in the future you will take your last class; the hard work will pay off and you will be handed your degree. Really, it will end, you will have time to breathe again and then you can start to make plans for graduate school!

There are probably a few other things I could add like B's are an okay grade, schedule EVERYTHING and coffee will be your best friend but those five items are the basics. If you are currently a student or considering a return I do hope you find them helpful.

See you next week.

Freedom

"I'm tired of working, working, working and not feeling like I'm getting ahead."

This was voiced to me by a friend last night in reference to a tight financial situation.  I could sympathize with the feeling and at the same time I thought to myself that if I was taking in the funds that he was taking in at his job I'd be able to live quite comfortably and I wouldn't be complaining so much.  At that point a little buzzer went off in my head.  It was joined by a bell, a gleaming white light bulb and a voice in my mind that said...

"Hey there little Miss Judgypants, wasn't so long a go that those words could have come from your mouth."

It was two years ago that I quit what would be considered a "good job" because I'd decided to go back to school and I wanted to make more time for my creative life.  I was miserable in the job and by the time I got home I had little to no energy to devote to creative pursuits.  I spent a lot of money on things like eating out, clothes, and Friday nights out.  I was making plenty of money but I was always broke.  

Since then I've managed to make a living by cobbling together two part time jobs, custom crochet commissions, the occasional performance gig and teaching.  Money is often very tight.  I make just enough most months to cover my expenses and there is rarely anything left over for extras like eating out, happy hour or travel.  I have not bought anything new other than the recent purchase of a much needed trash can.  "Use it up, wear it out, make do or do without," has become a bit of a mantra for living these past two years.

BUT...

I have found that while I may be poor in dollars I do have a lot of something else.  Freedom.  I am able to make my own schedule for the most part and so I am able to attend the classes I'd like to attend and not the ones I have to fit in around a regular 9:00 to 5:00 work schedule.  If it wasn't for this cobbled together life of mine the money I do make now from custom crochet orders would not be coming in at all because I would not have the time available to market myself or to actually work on them.  When I am feeling stressed out I am able to get up, walk out the door and head a few blocks down to the seaside for a wonderful change in perspective.  I can meet up with friends for a walk or a picnic lunch or take myself out for those things solo. I have time to write regularly and naps are a pleasure I able to indulge in regularly.

Yes, there are times that I will kept awake at night by the thought of how I may pay my bills or finding yet another creative way to cook rice and beans, but so far it has worked out and overall I am far happier today than I was two years ago. I hope that two years from now, or ten years from now, or anytime in the future when money may flow more freely into my life that I will remember this.

Integration

Integration: the combining and coordinating of separate parts or elements into a unified whole. 

Including my personal page I have four facebook pages that I maintain.  I have two websites that I update regularly.  I also have two twitter accounts and one instagram account.  If I include work my email accounts number a total of five.  I use four different names online.

This diverse web presence represents the various parts of my life: dance, troupe business, school, my writing, my personal life and the day job.

When I look at the array of social media, web pages and email addresses I see a very clear representation of just how seperate I keep certain parts of my life.  I struggle with finding balance, with creating space for the writer in me, the solo dance artist, the troupe manager & performer, the musician, the student, the paralegal, the visual artist and I wonder if much of my struggle is because I see these as distinct parts of myself, each needing its own dedicated time slot and a certain amount of my energy.

Yet they are ALL me.

It seems to me that if I am going to find this balance that I desire that I need to integrate these parts more.  That I can't keep them as separate pieces of me anymore.

I'm not quite sure how to move through or even begin this process, though perhaps consolidating my online presence will be a start.

Blog, blog, blog...or not

April 17th was the date of my last blog post.  It isn't that I've not wanted to write, it's that I've simply not had the time to write. 

"Waaaait a minute, didn't you say months ago that you were rearranging your life to make room for more creative pursuits including writing?"

Yup, indeed I did, however it took a lot more time than I expected for me to figure out just what those changes were going to be.  Now, finally, I'm actually on the edge of that happening.  

The spring semester is coming to an end in a week and as of this coming Sunday I will no longer be working two jobs.  There is more that I'll share soon but for now I'm just making sure that all of you know I am still here.  

Please check this space on Friday when a real blog post will be making an appearance, and next week a book review I've been wanting to write for some time now.  Plus a long overdue Spinster in the Kitchen update. 

Stay tuned!!

My Pre-New Year's Resolution

Today I set the alarm for 6:30 because I needed to get to the grocery store early enough to do my shopping and make it home by 9:00 to start work.  I had some essentials that I had to pick up (toilet paper, kitty litter and, well, food) and if I didn’t take care of it this morning my next possible free bit of time would not be until Thursday evening after 7:30.  The litter box and my need for toilet paper were not going to hold out that long.

I managed to get to the store, purchase all of the necessary supplies, catch the bus just in time to make it home at 8:50, put the groceries away and started working promptly at 9:00.  Working at home does have the benefit of my office being less than ten feet from my kitchen, which makes for a very short commute.  I worked until 1:00.

1:00 until 2:00 was spent doing some much needed household chores (dishes, taking the garbage out, cleaning the toilet, mopping up old coffee spills from the kitchen floor).  After this I went to meet a friend to discuss a possible documentary project and then home again to pick up my books for school.  I arrived back at the spinster nest about 20 minutes ago.

For the past few months this has been my life.  Always on the move, always on the go, never really getting to the point of resting because even when I sit still, my mind is thinking about the next thing I will be doing. It isn't that I'm not getting things done, it's that I'm spending ALL of my time getting things done.  

Thankfully the semester ends next week.  After finals are over I will have more time to myself and while I think that I’ve planned my class schedule much more wisely for the next semester, I do know that I need to figure out exactly what my priorities are because I can’t keep this up for an extended period of time.  I love all of the things that I do, but while I might be a super spinster, I’m not Super Woman and at this rate I will eventually burn out.

So let’s call it my pre New Year’s resolution.  Over the remaining weeks of December I will come up with a plan to not spread myself quite so thin in 2012.  My New Year's resolution will be to actually stick to it.

Now, I wonder if I can get in a load or two of laundry done before bedtime…

A want for drive...or a better calendar

Having gone through a recent health almost-crisis (one where the words cancer and tumor were both mentioned) I find that I am wanting to view the world differently.  I say 'want' because really, I'm not quite there yet.  I have the desire to be a person who knows her goals, maintains her focus and accomplishes great things that leave everyone else wondering just how she manages to do it.  I guess this is something I have wanted for a long time, but recent events just bring it back into the picture.  I want the prize and I want to be willing to do whatever it takes to get it.

I have this friend who I admire greatly and one of the things I admire most is his drive.  He seems to have this ability to stay on track without distraction.  He is able to put in whatever hours are needed, even when he is exhausted.  There are times I won't hear from him for days because he is working, always working and he loves what he does.  He is willing to do the work because the result at the end is so fulfilling.  (I not only admire this in him, but I find it intoxicatingly attractive... it is such an appealing quality in a person don't you think?)  

I think about all I want to do right now:  finish school, make my new business endeavor a success, excel at work.  create through writing, dance and visual art, become financially stable and make myself beautiful inside and out.  I want to know if accomplishing this is too much to ask from the universe and myself.  I want to be greedy and have it all.

Am I willing to make the sacrifices I need to in order to do all of this?  I want to be.

Mondays...

Monday nights are the nights I accomplish nothing at home.  I work from 8:30 until 5:00 then to the university library to take care of homework and then to class from 7:00 to 9:30.  When I arrive home it is nearly 10:00 and I am too physically wound up to go to bed right away, but too mentally tired to accomplish much.

Tonight I wanted to take apart and clean the vacuum cleaner.  It is still sitting in the closet, with my and my cats hair tangled about its rolling brush, likely needing a new belt and the filters need washing.   My rug is DISGUSTING, covered in cat hair and shoe print debris.

Tonight I wanted to send out emails to the performers of the show I am producing.  To remind them of the dates and times for bio deadlines, photos and performance piece titles.  I wanted to email potential program advertisers and follow up with those who said they would mail a check by now.  I've not logged into my email...not once since arriving home.

Tonight I wanted to finish my dishes, do a load of laundry, brush the cats, go grocery shopping, book a flight to Alaska and make a list of all the crafty things I could make and sell...

Oh, I've spent my time on facebook, checking out videos on Nowness and created this blog post.  Now I'm eying my bed and thinking that an hour snugged under the covers and an episode of Desperate Housewives may be the way to end the evening...

Tonight, instead of all those busy, practical and oh so necessary things that I need to accomplish, I am taking off my shoes, putting on my jammies and shutting off my brain.

Tomorrow, maybe I'll do something...

A Monday

The weather here was terrible to day and I was exhausted, so I bailed on the class I was supposed to attend tonight.  I feel okay about it in terms of knowing the material well enough, but I feel kind of bad about it in terms of not having enough commitment to brave the icy sidewalks.  I thought this was something I wanted more than I'm feeling I do right now.

I am also super tired.  I crashed out for three hours when I arrived home and now I've taken two Valium so I can get myself back to sleep again.  I'm really trying to make sure I'm rested.  I feel completely wiped out lately. I realize I have a lot going on and I'm not the best at scheduling my time, and I'm going out and drinking FAR too much and too often.  I know I need to make want to make some changes in my life but my motivation is lacking.

Well, I suppose none of the things I want to change will happen if I don't get enough sleep to do them.

Oh, and did I mention I'm also constipated?  Haven't pooped in two days.  My body just isn't pleased with me.