Day 14: Waking Up Part III

Yesterday I shared the results of tracking my morning mood for one week.  I'd hoped to find some sort of correlation between my mood in the morning and how the rest of my day turned out.  That did not seem to occur because while nearly every day began with feelings of anxiety and being overwhelmed, with one exception my days turned out to actually be pretty good.

Now one thing that did surprise me was that each morning I awoke with some level of anxiety.  I had other feelings, anticipation, annoyance, resentfulness, excitement, even jealously on one day but always anxiety was there.  You see I've generally always thought of my anxiety as something that was triggered.  There would be one particular event, like an exam, approaching that I'd worry about or maybe it would be set off by something more specific like not hearing from a friend for several days when we usually chat regularly or an sudden health issue causes unanticipated expense.  I didn't realize just how much it was regularly present simmering just below the surface.

Of course maybe I don't notice it usually because apparently I've learned to live with it on some level because in looking back over how the rest of my days were, things went rather smoothly.  Whatever I might have been feeling when I awoke that morning it didn't stop me from accomplishing things I had to do like work or laundry.  It didn't stop me from doing things I love such as dance, write, or spend time with friends.  And as for that, no matter what mood I was in spending time in the company of people I like always raised my spirits regardless of how I was feeling. 

I don't feel I've found many answers.  I've definitely discovered things about myself that I want to explore further.  I would like to know what it is that, despite my mood, makes me push on through the day.  I'd also like to explore this simmering anxiety that is perpetually present in my life.  It seems to have become my white noise, my background hum.  It would be interesting to find out if this anxiety is somehow what motivates me to get things done.  Maybe it's tied to my feelings about death and how we've such limited time to achieve so much, so whatever you do don't waste time...

So far 2015 has sent me down a path of self exploration.  It could prove to be an interesting year...just someone promise me that if you find me hunched over staring at my belly button while seemingly lost in thought that you'll give me a bit of a shake to snap me out of it. 

Day 10: What do you feel right now?

Progress...

What do you feel right now?

Anticipation.  I'll be having dinner with a friend later this evening and I am very much looking forward to it.  We have good conversations this friend and I.  Conversations that, if we let them, could probably carry us from dinner all the way through to breakfast.  We don't of course, and this makes our conversations all the more cherished.

What do you feel right now?

Hungry.  I am sipping water but fighting the urge to gobble down a snack as I want to leave room in my belly for the tasty vittles soon to be placed before me.  Mixed with my anticipation it is a rather delicious feeling.

What do you feel right now?

Accomplished.  I went to the gym with another friend this afternoon.  We did an hour of cardio on the stair climber, the bike and the treadmill.  I've felt like a slug so far this winter.  It was wonderful to move and to sweat.  

What do you feel right now?

Anxious.  Tomorrow I have rehearsal with my troupe for a show we have coming up in March.  As always I feel the weight of all the planning, listing, doing and keeping track of things that is to come.  I love performing and when I do I feel illuminated on the inside, but all of the other stuff that goes along with producing a show...let's just say it's no longer something I enjoy as much as I used to.  I wish sometimes I was not so good at it.

What do you feel right now?

Anxious (Part II). The new semester begins on Monday.  As I've progressed through school each semester has been more intense and required more of me than the last.  I spend hours each night on homework.  It leaves little time for all of the other things that are important to me.  I manage to do as much as I do by very careful planning and allocation of my time but often, by mid semester, I am tired and my self care begins to slip. 

What do you feel right now?

Hopeful.  Though things have become more difficult and more demands are being made of me, at the same time I have developed better skills for managing those times.  I know when to take a break, when to say I've done enough and when to let go of things that are no longer working for me.  I am far more aware of my own limitations and I can see when I am coming close to the edge of them.

What do you feel right now?

Empty.  The year ahead has many new experiences waiting for me.  I feel ready to be filled up with them all.  The good, the bad, the tough, the easy, the sad, the happy, the eye-opening, the new, the old, the destruction and the creation.  I hope I am paying attention enough to savor as many of these experiences as possible and to bear with grace those that may be more trying.

What do YOU feel right now?
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Day 7: Mission Statement

Alright.  With this post I think I'm officially on some sort of self improvement kick.  Writing that almost makes me want to cringe.  I've been witness to so much rude and self righteous bad behavior that was done in the name of 'self-improvement' and 'searching for one's authentic self' that I tend to approach anything that appears to be remotely related to either with a twenty foot pole...with spikes on the end.

However, in looking at the evidence:

1. I made an actual New Years resolution this year.
2. I'm tracking my morning moods for a week.
3. Four months ago I started seeing my therapist again.
4. I'm about to write a blog post about drafting a personal mission statement.
(5. I'm likely going to write about it when it's done...)

Oh dear God, self improvement here I come.  Sigh.

So this personal mission statement. Yesterday I came across an article in the New York Times titled Creating a New Mission Statement.  I'm not even really sure how I got there and I'm quite sure I probably rolled my eyes and thought, "Oh geez, what's this?" before I began to read it, but as I did I realized that it actually sort of made sense.  Particularly when it talked about the difference between a single act of self-improvement and actually seeking out the reason one wants to do it in the first place. 

"While it is common for businesses to define goals and values with mission statements, most people never take the time to identify their individual senses of purpose. Most focus on single acts of self-improvement — exercising more, eating more healthfully, spending more time with family — rather than examining the underlying reasons for the behavior..."

This just seems like a far smarter approach to things.  Having spent many, many hours in therapy it reminds of how when you realize that some bad habit you've developed is really a coping behavior that came out of some tragic event in your past.  Once you know why you do something it's so much easier to stop doing it, so why wouldn't it work the other way as well?  If you can discover the reason for your desire to change or improve upon something, it might be just a bit easier to actually make the changes you want to make.

The process as outlined in the article asks a series of seven questions to help you craft your mission statement.  None of the questions seem to have easy answers, but then I suppose that's the point.  Finding your purpose is not something to take lightly, at least I don't think it is.   And I imagine that for many of us it's deeply hidden.  We tend to bury such things beneath the day to day, 9 to 5 struggle to get by.

Anyway, I may or may not share the process as I go along.  It's tempting.  Those seven questions could mean seven neatly packaged blog posts, but it also seems like it might be just a bit too personal.  In any case, however much I choose to share, I will keep you all posted on the progress. And I'd love to hear from others who have done such things.

Ta-ta. 

Who is she (this impossible me)?

Other thoughts...

In my mind I have a vision of the person I want to be. In this vision she is always solitary...independent, though often standing in the midst of chaos - a busy office, back stage before a show, on a crowded sidewalk, she is calm and somehow apart from it all.  On her feet she wears stylish but sensible shoes.  She always looks well put together because she enjoys wearing things that make her feel beautiful.

She is strong, physically and mentally.  Taking care of herself is a part of daily life.  She is always well rested. While she has doubts about life they don't dominate her thinking. When she is in emotional turmoil she is able to set it aside so that she can take care of whatever immediate task life has put before her.  She is never overwhelmed because she knows her limits  She is passionate about many things.  She knows what she wants and she is not afraid of the hard work it may take to accomplish her desires.  

She is compassionate, offering a hand when others are in need.  She wants to save the world but knows she can only do the work of one person.  She attempts as best she can to live in a manner that lessens her impact on the earth.  

She wants to leave this earth having somehow made it a better place.

Lately I think of her and wonder, almost with a laugh, how I ever thought I could be this person? Yes, we are similar in many ways, passionate about what we do and about wanting to improve the world. I attempt to be compassionate but I stumble over jealousy, hurt and anger as most of us to.   I'm tired more days than I am not and I definitely fail frequently in the self care department.  I am overly emotional with some regularity and I struggle daily with self doubt.

I guess it's okay that I am not her.  It does seem like it would be a whole lot of work to be her and I'm not sure I'm really up to the task.  Maybe instead of seeing her as the me that I am not, I'll think of her as a sister or close friend because, even if she isn't me, when think of her I do feel a bit stronger and a little more capable.  It would be nice to know even if I am not her, that I at least have her on my side.

Note: I think there might have been a day, sometime in the spring of 2011, that I came as close to being her as I've ever been.  I should have noted the date but I was probably too busy being wonderful.