Thursday, April 3, 2014

Who is she (this impossible me)?

Other thoughts...

In my mind I have a vision of the person I want to be. In this vision she is always solitary...independent, though often standing in the midst of chaos - a busy office, back stage before a show, on a crowded sidewalk, she is calm and somehow apart from it all.  On her feet she wears stylish but sensible shoes.  She always looks well put together because she enjoys wearing things that make her feel beautiful.

She is strong, physically and mentally.  Taking care of herself is a part of daily life.  She is always well rested. While she has doubts about life they don't dominate her thinking. When she is in emotional turmoil she is able to set it aside so that she can take care of whatever immediate task life has put before her.  She is never overwhelmed because she knows her limits  She is passionate about many things.  She knows what she wants and she is not afraid of the hard work it may take to accomplish her desires.  

She is compassionate, offering a hand when others are in need.  She wants to save the world but knows she can only do the work of one person.  She attempts as best she can to live in a manner that lessens her impact on the earth.  

She wants to leave this earth having somehow made it a better place.

Lately I think of her and wonder, almost with a laugh, how I ever thought I could be this person? Yes, we are similar in many ways, passionate about what we do and about wanting to improve the world. I attempt to be compassionate but I stumble over jealousy, hurt and anger as most of us to.   I'm tired more days than I am not and I definitely fail frequently in the self care department.  I am overly emotional with some regularity and I struggle daily with self doubt.

I guess it's okay that I am not her.  It does seem like it would be a whole lot of work to be her and I'm not sure I'm really up to the task.  Maybe instead of seeing her as the me that I am not, I'll think of her as a sister or close friend because, even if she isn't me, when think of her I do feel a bit stronger and a little more capable.  It would be nice to know even if I am not her, that I at least have her on my side.

Note: I think there might have been a day, sometime in the spring of 2011, that I came as close to being her as I've ever been.  I should have noted the date but I was probably too busy being wonderful. 

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