Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Day 14: Waking Up Part III

Yesterday I shared the results of tracking my morning mood for one week.  I'd hoped to find some sort of correlation between my mood in the morning and how the rest of my day turned out.  That did not seem to occur because while nearly every day began with feelings of anxiety and being overwhelmed, with one exception my days turned out to actually be pretty good.

Now one thing that did surprise me was that each morning I awoke with some level of anxiety.  I had other feelings, anticipation, annoyance, resentfulness, excitement, even jealously on one day but always anxiety was there.  You see I've generally always thought of my anxiety as something that was triggered.  There would be one particular event, like an exam, approaching that I'd worry about or maybe it would be set off by something more specific like not hearing from a friend for several days when we usually chat regularly or an sudden health issue causes unanticipated expense.  I didn't realize just how much it was regularly present simmering just below the surface.

Of course maybe I don't notice it usually because apparently I've learned to live with it on some level because in looking back over how the rest of my days were, things went rather smoothly.  Whatever I might have been feeling when I awoke that morning it didn't stop me from accomplishing things I had to do like work or laundry.  It didn't stop me from doing things I love such as dance, write, or spend time with friends.  And as for that, no matter what mood I was in spending time in the company of people I like always raised my spirits regardless of how I was feeling. 

I don't feel I've found many answers.  I've definitely discovered things about myself that I want to explore further.  I would like to know what it is that, despite my mood, makes me push on through the day.  I'd also like to explore this simmering anxiety that is perpetually present in my life.  It seems to have become my white noise, my background hum.  It would be interesting to find out if this anxiety is somehow what motivates me to get things done.  Maybe it's tied to my feelings about death and how we've such limited time to achieve so much, so whatever you do don't waste time...

So far 2015 has sent me down a path of self exploration.  It could prove to be an interesting year...just someone promise me that if you find me hunched over staring at my belly button while seemingly lost in thought that you'll give me a bit of a shake to snap me out of it. 

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