Day 6: Waking Up

What are your first thoughts in the morning?  I don't mean the "oh is it morning already." "I have to pee," "what was that crazy dream all about," "where's the coffee," "has the cat been fed" etc. type questions.  I mean what goes through your mind when you are preparing for your day?

Yesterday I had a rather sluggish morning.  I had little motivation to do much of anything and my thoughts were turning very much to how I could spend the day avoiding the world by hiding under the covers all day.  This was not in a "I have a day off let's relax, eat chips and watch horror films in bed all day" sort of feeling.  It was an, "ugh - another day to have to deal with life and the world" sort of feeling.; I just didn't want to be bothered with the prospect of existence.

This changed when  friend stopped by just to say hello and bring me a coffee.  The interaction managed to shift my mind set enough that I ended up  not only in a better mood but also the day took a more productive turn.  I got in a couple of hours of dance practice, did some financial planning, started drafting an essay for a scholarship application and cooked an awesome dinner for myself.  Had I not had that interaction I'd have like spent the day browsing the web and binging on Netflix.  If I was productive at all it likely would have been much, much later in the day.

This morning I woke up with thoughts of getting things done; this blog post, finishing off soup that had been in the crockpot over night, working a bit and then running errands later in the day (so far the soup is bubbling away and the blog post is half written). In the past I have had quite a few mornings, such as when the semester is in full swing, that I wake up feeling overwhelmed.  There are other days, perhaps when I have plans with friends, that I wake up with happier expectations.

It has occurred to me to try to keep track of what my mood is like at the beginning of the day and how I end up feeling when the day is over, or how productive of a day I have, but I've never really been all that good at keeping track of such things over the long haul.  However, I think I could do it for perhaps a week.  School begins on Monday and I've a lot to do over the next few days so it would be a good time to see how my morning thoughts impact the rest of my day.

At the minimum I'll likely at least get another blog post out of it.  :-)
 

Day 5: Advanced Style

I've not looked at any blog prompts today.  In fact I know exactly what I want to write about.  It is inspired by a post on a friend's FaceBook page.  The post asked for feedback and thoughts on the choices women make when it comes to coloring their hair; specifically whether or not to color the gray hairs.  The conversation of course turned to the more general subject of woman and aging in our culture today and how we don't have enough examples of women who accept themselves no matter what their age.

My response:

"It is difficult being a "woman of a certain age" in the US. It's so easy to say age doesn't matter, but very difficult to live that way because in our world age DOES matter. Particularly if you are female. I am perfectly willing to be out there, to be myself, to say whatever is on my mind and do so without apology or much fear - but damn, I'm afraid of ever looking my age. It's like that first time some young cashier calls you "Ma'am" and you realize that the world suddenly sees you differently. For most of us it comes as a bit of a shock, it's painful because in our minds, or at least in my mind, I don't see myself that way!

That said, I am trying to work towards self acceptance. I agree wholeheartedly with [you] that we are the ones who need to set the example and fearful as I may be, I want to be one of those women.

My new years resolution this year is to learn to be brave. I guess this would fit right in with that plan because to not only allow yourself to look your age but to also embrace it is a pretty brave act in our culture."

In just under a month I will be 43 years old.  I've struggled with body acceptance for much my life for various reasons (weird stick ours, being taller than average, giant feet, too thin, not thin enough...etc.).  Though occasionally I still feel like a lumbering giant, I think I have managed to work through most of them.  Aging though is going to be a tough one.  There is a lot of outside judgment that comes with aging; judgment we have zero control over. However I plan to do my best to embrace myself as I am because I think if I do, I will, in the long run, be far happier.

That said there are some wonderful inspiring older women who are wholeheartedly themselves.  One of my favorite blogs is Advanced Style where Ari Seth Cohen chronicles the stylish older set of New York City.  There is also the website and blog, Accidental Icon, a new find for me, where I came across this fabulous quote:

“It’s about being conscious of who you are and using all the strength you have to communicate that.”

— Ann Demeulemester talking about Patti Smith in the New York Times

On a final note, I am likely to continue to color my hair.  The few silver hairs I have are wonderfully shiny and soft but my mop is still dominated by my mousy, plain Jane color or off-blond.  I do like the red far better and so until more of that fancy gray shows up I'll still be a henna head. 

Day 4: How do I feel today?

Today's blog prompt is courtesy of the Imagination Prompt Generator:e  

How do you feel today?

Honestly today I woke up in a grumpy mood.  I couldn't pinpoint exactly why I felt that way.   Things got moderately better as the day progressed but I still feel a bit out of sorts.

Right  now I'm trying to decided if I want to cook the chicken that is in my fridge tonight or if I want to wait until tomorrow night.  Also, do I want to roast it or make smothered chicken which is also totally awesome. I'm not feeling terribly motivated to do either at the moment.  Heck, I'm not feeling all that motivated to write a blog post!  In fact, with the exception of a two and a half hour nap, I've spent much of today here at my computer aimlessly browsing the Internet. 

Maybe it's time to get off my butt and move a little.

EDIT:  I just did an hour of yoga followed by five minutes of meditation.  It was indeed just what I needed.  I'd say that my mood is much improved.

If you are interested the yoga video that I watched can be found HERE.

Day 3: Quiche. It's so damn easy...

Two beautiful and easy quiches!

Today I want to write about quiche.  I currently have two quiches baking in the over (they will likely be done cooking before I'm done writing this post).  I decided to make them because I had left over ham from the holidays and milk from making hot cocoa at my New Year's Eve open house.  I made two quiches because my pie crust recipe makes two crusts and well, I really like quiche!  Which leaves me asking myself why in the world do I not cook quiche more often?

My answer is pretty lame. I just don't think of it.  Which is kind of pathetic because not only is quiche delicious, but I generally always have the basic ingredients for it around.  You can put nearly anything you want into a quiche (today's quiches are ham, kale, cheddar and onion).  Plus, it keeps.  You can freeze it, reheat it, or even eat a slice cold.  And it's easy as fuck to make.

Which leads me to the question of how many other things I could be doing that are enjoyable and easy, but which I don't do because they just slip my mind?  I'd say meditation is likely one.  I like how I feel after giving myself five minutes of just sitting quietly, not doing anything, letting my thoughts just float around.  Yet, how often do I actually do it?  Almost never.

I could probably also add to this list:

• sketching just for fun
• writing in my journal 
• going to watch the sunset (or sunrise for that matter)
• calling a friend for a chat
• reading for pleasure (granted this one gets tough during the semester)
• playing with Miss Pickles
• taking a destination-less walk

Maybe I should write all of these down and post them somewhere so the next time I find myself feeling like I need a bit of a lift in my spirits I'll have an idea of what to do.  

Right now I'm going to have a slice of quiche!!!!

Day 2: Lost Music

Last night I had a dream in which my job was to sort and pack for storage, the notes of forgotten songs.  I worked in a small shed, with shelves that were lined with large storage bins.  There was a long workbench on one wall and only one door.  There were no windows.

Each morning I would go to the shed and unlock the door. It was always very early as I remember dew and then frost on the grass, and long low shadows form the morning sun.  I'd step inside and I would wait.  Soon after I'd hear the crunch of gravel beneath the tires of the delivery man's truck.  I'd hear him open his door and step out of the truck onto the driveway followed by the sound of the delivery van door sliding open.  His footsteps would approach and then I'd see him silhouetted against the sun as he stepped into the doorway.  We'd exchange pleasantries, I'd sign for the delivery and he'd hand me one plain white number 10 envelope.

I'd wait until he'd gone before opening the envelope.  As soon as I did music would being to pour out of it.  One song at a time I'd hear the last time a piece of music had been played, or sung.  Sometimes it was entire orchestras playing complex symphonies but more often then not it was a single voice humming absentmindedly.  I wondered if the owners of the humming voices ever knew that that they were sharing this song for the very last time.

As each note sounded out into the air it would solidify into a tiny colored bead and fall into my open palm; a forever frozen musical vibration.  One by one I packed them away into tiny padded boxes, like those that expensive jewelry come in.  Each box uniformly gray, and once closed, utterly unremarkable.  They were packed by the hundreds into large plastic bins.  Note after note, song after song.

At the end of the day, when the last song had sounded, I'd write the date on the outside of the envelope and file it away in a cabinet full of thousands of other envelopes.   I'd turn off the single light in the shed, padlock the door and go back into the house to make dinner. 

I didn't know what became of the notes after I packed them away.   I knew I was not the only person doing this.  There were many of us around the world who did this day after day.  Even so, I knew that the shed was not large enough to possibly hold all of the forgotten songs I'd stashed away over the years.  There was some mysterious process that I never witnessed in which they were carried away to their final destination.  I imagined some immense Indiana Jones type gigantic warehouse with sky high shelves full of stacked bins filled with an infinite number of little gray boxes, each holding a tiny gleaming and silent note.   

Day 1: Happy and Brave New Year

Today's blog prompt is:

What are your resolutions for the new year?  Tell us how you picked them.

I really only have one thing I resolve to do this year and that is to be brave.  Like most of people, I have have many fears.  I am sure that my fears are likely pretty normal; fear of failure, embarrassment, loss, not being good enough, not being loved, etc.  If I were to list each of my fears and if I were to pick the one that I struggle with the most, I would pick uncertainty.

I have worked to overcome many of my fears and I do many things in spite of them. Public speaking for example, still puts knots in my stomach but I have learned to stand in front of crowds to speak anyway and  to do it well.  Uncertainty however can still stop me in my tracks.  It was only a few days ago that I wrote about wanting to become comfortable living with uncertainty, but I want to to more than just live with it.  I want to be able, as I do with public speaking, to do things despite the outcome being uncertain. 

I suppose in someways I already do this.  None of us know for sure how any day of our lives will turn out which makes getting out of bed every morning an exercise in facing uncertainty.  In my earlier post on uncertainty I referenced my upcoming Semester at Sea opportunity and changes in the direction of my creative path.  Each of these things excite and terrify me. 

The prospect of seeing the world, meeting new people and exploring new realms of study thrills me, but stepping completely out of my life for three months, the uncertainty of what things will be like when I come back...what I'll be like when I come back, fills me with anxiety.   I know that art is something that evolves.  I am combining music and sound into my performances in ways I've never done before.  I love the creative lift this gives me, but sharing it, wondering if it will be accepted or if I will even be able to bring the ideas to life in the ways I'd like are worrisome.

I want to be strong enough, brave enough, to do both of these and to do whatever other opportunities may come up in the future.  I don't want to give in to the fear and worry about all of the possible unknown outcomes as I have in the past. 

So here it is, all official and in writing for everyone to see:

One this day, January 1, 2015, I resolve that this year I will learn to be brave. 

Day 31: Happy New Year

Welcome to 2015.  

I will write a longer post in the morning.  For now I wish everyone the best in the year to come.

Happy New Year!!