I am sitting at the computer staring at a blank screen without any real idea of what I want to write about but with a deep need to express myself. This blog post could go anywhere.
By the time it is done it might be...
...a rant about the seemingly bottomless pit of exhaustion I am in. How not matter how much sleep I get, how easy I take it, or how much self care I do, I'm still so freaking tired. How much I desperately wish I could afford to take a real vacation and for just one week not be in charge of anything.
...a mish mosh expression of my mixed up feelings about spending three months at sea. How I'm super excited (I heard a stop in France was added to the itinerary, OMG!) and how I'm also experiencing anxiety Will everyone forget me while I'm gone?. It has added so much more to my summer to do list and how will I ever get it all done? Will my kitty remember who I am? What if I don't bring enough underwear?
... an angsty diatribe about how it's been terribly difficult spring for me. How I feel like I was chopped up into a million tiny pieces, crushed, melted and poured into a formless mass that has yet to cool down or solidify. And about how I'm starting to feel comfortable with this sense of formlessness I am experiencing.
...an expression of the heaps and heaps of gratitude that I feel towards those who have helped to get me to the point where I can afford to do the Semester at Sea and how despite the anxiety I feel I know it is going to be awesome. I could never have done it without all of you.
...a few sentences about relief. How I am getting better at self care. How I'm realizing I can say no to things. How I'm starting to maybe feel a bit like I can rebuild myself, make myself stronger, faster...better than before. Um...
...a list of all the things rolling around in my mind right now that I want to publicly express in some fashion because I feel the need to share but I'm really hoping it doesn't come off as a plea for external affirmation because I really am getting better a providing that for myself.