I went for my usual walk this morning, okay well more like about half of my usual walk, and for the first time the usual sense of peace that I feel when walking did not accompany it. Perhaps it is because of the cold I am fighting which has left me tired and mentally fuzzy. There is also the cold medicine which allows me to breathe but does leave me feeling a bit our of sorts.
Physically it was a struggle. My lungs were not functioning as well as they would be were I not fighting a cold and I was pulling tissue after tissue from my pocket for my sniffly nose. I was walking at the pace of a stroll but I overheated quite quickly. I was not comfortable.
Mentally it seemed like with every step a different anxiety would pop up...
Step...how am I going to pay for the dental visit I need this summer?
Step...I'm behind on rehearsing due to this cold, how will I catch up?
Step...rice and beans again this week, I'm getting rather tired of them.
Step...two shows this weekend, I need to practice more.
Step...a guest next week, need to prep the apartment...when will I find the time?
Step...what will I feed them?
Step...I really want to nap all day but I can't afford to miss work.
Step...kitties need their annual vet visit, maybe I can put off the dentist another month.
Step...etc., etc., etc.,
My inner analyst is telling me two things:
1. There is a feeling of helplessness I get when I am sick. I'm a fairly independent sort but when I am ill I really want someone there to check in on me, tuck me in, bring me soup, etc. I know I'm not alone in this; I think we all want our mommies when we are ill. It can have a cascading effect, I feel helpless because I am sick and the feeling sort of leaks into other areas of my life in which I find myself struggling and right now that is the financial and creative spheres of my life.
2. The last time I walked the route I did today it was with a friend with whom I talked about many of my troubles and he his. I was feeling a high amount of stress and anxiety that particular day and so perhaps there was a bit of an anxiety trigger there.
So tomorrow I'll perhaps walk a different route and hopefully I'll be feeling better physically. Right now I am home and I do feel better whether due to resting or writing I'm not sure. Tea with honey is next on my list and that will likely help too.