Monday, March 7, 2011

Living well is the best revenge...

It took me 38 years to have my heartbroken.  Okay, I am being a bit dramatic.  It took 38 years before it ever took a severe beating.  I ended a relationship this summer because the man who I was, shall we say...less than honest?

Why did I fall for this man?  He was cute, and charming, and funny, and smart...and decent in bed.   He also had substance abuse issues and I seem to have a love of have a history of dating broken people.  Why did I give him a second chance?  Because for some dumb reason I also believed I could fix broken people.  I was afraid to be alone.  Because no one that interesting had 'loved' me before (yeah, I know I'm getting quote happy).  When discovered a year later he'd been lying to me about many, many things ever since the beginning of our relationship, I ended things. Done.  It was an epiphany kind of moment because I realized for the first time ever that I...

...WAS PISSED OFF... a man for treating me like shit.  I'd never felt that before.  Until that moment I'd always made excuses for them but that day I realized that I was done with excuses.  I was getting the hell out. Three weeks later he was 'in a relationship' again with a much younger woman.  

Yeah, I pick fucked up men to date (hence why I've not dated for the past seven months) but until that moment, I didn't realize I deserved better.  While I couldn't verbalize it at the time, that was what I realized in that moment.  He was not worthy of me.  I am worthy of being treated with kindness and respect.  I also realized that I can't fix anyone.  That day, I looked at him and I saw a broken human being.

There is a part of me that wishes that one day he experiences the pain he has caused so many other people.  I can't say that part of me wishes him well and maybe that makes me small in some way, but  I think mostly I tend to feel indifference towards him. 

I won't ever say that I feel grateful for him 'helping' me find my anger because I believe that came solely from within myself, but I also believe that life is like compost.  Shit happens, and sometimes if you walk away, let it sit and breakdown you end up with some great fertilizer.  Today I am doing things I'd put off doing for years.  I'm succeeding at things that I'd never had the energy for because I was always with people who drained me to exhaustion.  Seven months later I'm doing quite well.  I'm even contemplating dating again...with caution.

So that's it.  I get to move on and be happy, and he...well...I hope he gets to see that I am thriving.  

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