Day 30: Alone with my thoughts

Day 29: The Kayak

[Public domain]
via Wikimedia Commons

Water spiders may not be large but they are rather bold. The way they all appeared as if out of nowhere when the dock was bumped by my clumsy handling of the kayak, and then vanished just as quickly was rather disconcerting. I was left wondering if I had just imagined them.  All eleven of them.

Yesterday, I was given a very brief lesson on how to get in and out of the kayak, but today was my first actual attempt.  I am proud to say that other than the brief questioning of my sanity noted above, I managed both successfully.

I have canoed solo before, and used a rowboat, but the kayak was a new experience for me.  At first I seemed to go mostly to the right and then suddenly was going too far left.  It took a few minutes of paddling before I got the hang of it.  I was sailing along at what I felt was a rather admirable pace when a young man, yes half my age at most, came cruising right on past me.

I stopped paddling to watch him figuring I'd learn something and I did notice that he was handling the paddle differently.  I attempted to mimic his form and while I can't say I went much faster, the paddling was definitely easier.  And I had fewer issues with weaving side to side.

I was about 15 minutes or so into my paddle when I heard the wooofhhh woooofhhh of bird wings.  I looked up and had the pleasure of watching an eagle fly about 15 feet above my head and the off into the trees.  I was also treated to the sight and sounds of a pair of loons.  And on my return to the camp a large turtle swam slowly past me.

I'm willing to call the first full day of my vacation a success.

Day 28: Vacation Begins

All the green...photo by J. Grandbois

When I logged in to write today's post I noted that I forgot to write a post yesterday. My first thought was, "Oh, well I guess now I have to write two blog posts to make up for it..."

Followed by, "Wait.  No actually, I don't have to do that."

Yes, I committed to blogging everyday for a month but one of the things I said in the very beginning is that I'd likely make mistakes and that this would a be a good time to practice some self compassion.  Plus, today is my first day of my vacation in this glorious cabin by a lake, where I have seven nights and six whole days that are mine to do with as I wish.

And I don't wish to make being too hard on myself on of the things I spend my time doing.   So, I'm doing what I should probably do with a lot of things...I'm letting it go.  Day 27 in my month of blogging will just have to be left blank.

And I shall begin my first day here as I wish to; relaxing, taking in the fresh air and quiet, and letting myself just be.

Maybe this is progress?

Day 26: What I'm looking forward to...

Photo by J. Grandbois

Yesterday I wrote about my anxiety surrounding my vacation.  I'm still nervous; still worried I'll over pack, that I'll forget something important.  Yes, I'm bringing my baseball bat.

But anxious as I may be I'm also looking forward to it.  I am looking forward to...

...days without a plan.
...putting my feet in the water.
...kayaking.
...cooking on the grill.
...sitting by the fire.
...looking up at the stars.
...seeing birds and wildlife I don't see in town.
...sleeping in.
...quiet.  I'm really, really looking forward to quiet.

And yes, I'm really looking forward to solitude.

Peace.

Day 25: My vacation is stressing me out...

Arthur Rackham [Public domain],
via Wikimedia Commons

Alright, I'll confess.  I am feeling some anxiety over my upcoming vacation.  Okay, fine, maybe I'm feeling a lot, but I've not done this in what feels like a million years.  And, well, have a talent for making myself neurotic over just about anything...but...

Now, the best way for me to handle my worries is to name them so I can then find ways to manage them, right?

1. $$$$$$ . Unlike the last time I took a real vacation, I can barely afford to do this.  I don't have paid vacation time and while I made, and stuck to, a plan to get all of my bills caught up before I went so I'd not feel stressed about falling behind, it has left me pinching pennies.

Money. Stresses. Me. Out.  Blah, blah, mindset of scarcity, blah blah, the universe provides.  No, working and making money to feed myself and pay my bills provides - I provide.  However, I'm doing my best to recall all of the other times money was tight and I survived.  Rice and beans.  Rice and beans.  

2. Transportation.  I'll be at a cabin for a week without a car.  I'm making lists like mad but I'm still worried that I'll either forget something vitally important or I'll so over prepare that I'll bring a bunch of crap I won't need and then I'll have to deal with schlepping it there and back again.  I really want to keep this simple.

I keep telling myself that whatever I leave behind I can likely live without for seven days. And I do have a couple of folks in the area who have offered to give me a ride to the store if I need one.  My lists (food menu, clothing, cat supplies, entertainment...how many drums should I bring??) will hopefully keep me in check as well as prevent over packing.  I did manage to live out of two suitcases for three and a half months, I'll manage. 

3. I'm feeling anxiety over my anxiety.  That's right, I'm worrying over my worries.  I'm also anxious about possible attacks by hillbillies with axes, but that's a whole other blog post.  Truly, my brain keeps playing every what if scenario possible:  What if I have a panic attack while I'm there alone? What if I get there and I realize I hate being alone?  What if I fall down and I can't get up?  What if there really ARE hillbillies with axes?

First off...reminder...I have not had a panic attack in two and a half years, and prior to that it had been about five since since my last one.  Second...I have always managed my anxiety alone, maybe not always in the most productive way, but I did it - and besides, I'll have wi-fi, worst case it's hot tea and HSN until my heart calms down.  As for the rest, I've been craving time alone, I know I need this and I know I'll be fine by myself.  As for the hillbillies, add the Louisville Slugger to the packing list - if there is more than two of them you are doomed anyway...so why worry. 

I want this vacation, more importantly, I really, really, really need it.  I need a space to clear my head. I need a few hours just staring into a fire.  I need to walk in nature.  I need to have quiet.  And, despite my anxieties, I need time alone.

I know I've got this.  Go team.

Day 24: Eavesdropping

Charles Joshua Chaplin
 [Public domain],
via Wikimedia Commons

Today's blog is inspired by a prompt from 500 Prompts for Narrative and Personal  Writing published in the New York Time on November 13, 2014. 

Prompt: Have you ever eavesdropped?

When I was young I used to practice being invisible.  I found that if I sat very still, was very quiet and made myself as small as possible people would simply forget that I was there.  I mostly did this at bus stops because there was a constant in and out flow of people, the characters always changed.

While I was invisible I would hear and see all sorts of things. I always hoped I'd overhear some conversation that would help solve some nefarious crime - but nefarious crimes didn't really happen in the town I was living in.  Mostly I just heard small, honest snippets of peoples lives which, while it didn't help me solve a great crime, did often set me to wondering how the person came to be there, in that moment at that particular bus stop.

In my mind I saw everyone's life as a line on a map.  From the moment you were born your line was drawn.  Every step, car, bike, train or bus ride marked by an infinitely inked pen.  I'd pan out and I'd see the towns and cities, with big blobs of color at the local hospitals. Lines would flower out by the dozens..hundreds, to home and the world. Each person's line a slightly different shape or color, alive and shimmering - moving for as long as they were.

Many lines crossed without the lives they were tracking ever intersecting and I'd think of how many lives, how many stories we are unaware of.  The life on the other side of the apartment wall, on the bench at the bus stop, in the next bathroom stall or the cars that pass going the other way on the highway.  Some lines would meet, pause and for a time, they might travel together as friends, lovers, or family.  And of course, to my bus stop, where I sat, invisible.

I'd see the people at the bus stop and I'd wonder what brought their lives to this moment where their line and mine paused together until the next bus came.  The bus would come, they'd board, I'd remain and as far as I knew, our paths would never cross again.

It would be years before I learned that I could learn these stories just by asking (and even more until I was brave enough to ask).  Most people are quite willing to talk about themselves if you give them the space to do so.  I have found, more often than not, that their stories were far more interesting and intricate than I could imagine.

It's easy.  I introduce myself, they reply and then I ask a very simple question, "So, tell me, what brought you here?"

And then I listen.

Day 23: Vacation

By Tichnor Brothers,
Publisher [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

In less than a week I will be taking my first real vacation in nearly a decade.  It will be a week away from home in a cabin on a lake.  I can't express how much I am looking forward to this.

It will be the first time that I am going away where I'm not working, I'm not tending to someone else's needs, I'm not on someone else schedule and I'm not carrying a bag full of home work.  Best of all...

I going by myself so I don't need to do anything I don't feel like doing.  My life will be 100% my own for seven precious days.

Seven wonderful days...

I admit.  I'm starting to count the minutes until it is time.