Monday, July 25, 2016

Day 25: My vacation is stressing me out...

Arthur Rackham [Public domain],
via Wikimedia Commons
Alright, I'll confess.  I am feeling some anxiety over my upcoming vacation.  Okay, fine, maybe I'm feeling a lot, but I've not done this in what feels like a million years.  And, well, have a talent for making myself neurotic over just about anything...but...

Now, the best way for me to handle my worries is to name them so I can then find ways to manage them, right?

1. $$$$$$ . Unlike the last time I took a real vacation, I can barely afford to do this.  I don't have paid vacation time and while I made, and stuck to, a plan to get all of my bills caught up before I went so I'd not feel stressed about falling behind, it has left me pinching pennies.

Money. Stresses. Me. Out.  Blah, blah, mindset of scarcity, blah blah, the universe provides.  No, working and making money to feed myself and pay my bills provides - I provide.  However, I'm doing my best to recall all of the other times money was tight and I survived.  Rice and beans.  Rice and beans.  

2. Transportation.  I'll be at a cabin for a week without a car.  I'm making lists like mad but I'm still worried that I'll either forget something vitally important or I'll so over prepare that I'll bring a bunch of crap I won't need and then I'll have to deal with schlepping it there and back again.  I really want to keep this simple.

I keep telling myself that whatever I leave behind I can likely live without for seven days. And I do have a couple of folks in the area who have offered to give me a ride to the store if I need one.  My lists (food menu, clothing, cat supplies, many drums should I bring??) will hopefully keep me in check as well as prevent over packing.  I did manage to live out of two suitcases for three and a half months, I'll manage. 

3. I'm feeling anxiety over my anxiety.  That's right, I'm worrying over my worries.  I'm also anxious about possible attacks by hillbillies with axes, but that's a whole other blog post.  Truly, my brain keeps playing every what if scenario possible:  What if I have a panic attack while I'm there alone? What if I get there and I realize I hate being alone?  What if I fall down and I can't get up?  What if there really ARE hillbillies with axes?

First off...reminder...I have not had a panic attack in two and a half years, and prior to that it had been about five since since my last one.  Second...I have always managed my anxiety alone, maybe not always in the most productive way, but I did it - and besides, I'll have wi-fi, worst case it's hot tea and HSN until my heart calms down.  As for the rest, I've been craving time alone, I know I need this and I know I'll be fine by myself.  As for the hillbillies, add the Louisville Slugger to the packing list - if there is more than two of them you are doomed why worry. 

I want this vacation, more importantly, I really, really, really need it.  I need a space to clear my head. I need a few hours just staring into a fire.  I need to walk in nature.  I need to have quiet.  And, despite my anxieties, I need time alone.

I know I've got this.  Go team.

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