Day 7: Four of Cups - Untying the Mask

Of the cards that I have drawn from the deck thus far this is the one I can most identify with, particularly with how it relates to the past three months aboard this ship. 

There are two parts to this for me.  The first relates to what took place aboard this ship.  While I have enjoyed many aspects of this journey around the world one that has had the greatest impact on me occurred the moment I had the realization that I was in a place where no one knew me or really knew anything about me.  This was an incredibly freeing moment for me.  I was just another one of the 550 students aboard this ship and I wasn't expected to be anything other than that.

What this did for me was to relieve me of all of the expectations I place on myself that are related to my life back home.  Well in theory anyway, as time went on I certainly found that that many of my personal expectations of myself, even the truly unrealistic ones, can be terribly difficult to shake.  Regardless of my ability to shake them off or not, what matters most is just how aware of them I have become.  These expectations and the masks I have created to try and keep up the appearance that I am meeting them, were years, even decades in the making.  It is going to take longer than three months to dismantle them.

The second part took place off the ship, or more specifically in the online world of my blog and social media (though it had an impact here too).  When I departed on this journey everyone I knew was telling me how wonderful it was going to be.  They told me how envious they were and that they wished they could do something like this. They called me brave and pinned the title of adventurer upon me.  People said that the journey would change my life, that I'd have a million moving moments and I'd come back a totally different person. 

The truth is when I left I had a lot of misgivings.  Yes, I was looking forward to the trip and I was (and still am) incredibly grateful for the opportunity, but…my dearest friend and creative partner, someone who I love perhaps more than my cat, had been hit by a truck only weeks before and was facing an intense recovery process.  In the weeks leading up to my departure I'd spent days upon days in the hospital, organized a benefit, and tried to be a comfort to our fellow troupe members. In addition,  I was preparing for this trip, wrapping up a summer research job that had run longer than it was supposed to, and was tying up loose ends for my regular job.  I packed up an apartment, sorted my belongings, held a yard sale and moved all of my things into my father's basement. 

I felt like a total shit for leaving at a time when I felt I was needed and I am still not sure it was the right thing to do, but all of that aside, due to the sheer business of the weeks leading up to my departure, I'd had no time to process any of my feelings around his accident and nearly losing someone so close to me.  When I arrived on this ship the cork that had kept my emotions in check finally popped out.  I spent the first week aboard emotionally wrung out. 

I was also quite homesick.  I expected to miss my friends and my family, and I expected to miss my cat (and I really, really miss my cat) but even still, I did not expect the level of homesickness that I found myself facing.  I realize that the crazy mix of emotions I was dealing with likely contributed to my feelings of homesickness.  I knew no one and had no one to confide in or talk to.  I wrote in my journal a lot; pages and pages.  And on many of those pages I spent a lot of time beating myself up for even feeling the way I was.   

I shared a bit of what I was feeling on Facebook and one blog post early on.  A few folks responded with great kindness, telling me that what I was feeling was valid and that it was okay to be as mixed up as I was.  But there was also plenty of advice that, well intended as it might have been, was not helpful and some was downright hurtful.  Even so, the voice that was loudest was my own.  Not only was I feeling pretty lousy but I felt as though I was letting everyone down by feeling this way.

So I made a very conscious choice to only share the good stuff.  When I had wifi I put up photos of places I'd been, and I wrote short little chirpy descriptions for them.  It's easy to put on a mask on social media.  You can cultivate whatever appearance you want the world to see, especially when you are thousands of miles away and there is no one to contradict you.  I had one friend I confided in back home and I tried to let that be enough.  But then two things happened.

The first was that I wrote a spoken word piece called Base Rhythm for my travel writing class.  It was about being homesick, trying to find a place for myself on this ship, and also about one of the things I love most in this world, music.   It was a vehicle for processing my feelings but it also turned out to be one of the best things I have written, ever.  My professor approached me about sharing it with other faculty and the other writing class, which I consented to.  I also worked up the courage to read it at the ship coffee house – which nearly every member of the community attended.

In the days that followed students approached me to thank me for sharing it.  They'd been struggling with similar feelings and felt that they couldn't share them because everyone else seemed to be having such an amazing time, so something must surely have been wrong with them for feeling the way they were.  For some my poem had given them permission to share what they were feeling and to write about it.  I was not the only one wearing the mask of having a good time. 

The second thing occurred only a couple of weeks after I shared the poem. One of the podcasts I listen to regularly, Stuff Mom Never Told You, had an episode titled #blessed.  It was about our tendency, and in particular women's tendency, to cultivate an image of perfection on blogs and social media.  We have practically turned it into an art.  After listening to it (three times) I made the choice to be more honest in my posts and if I felt not so great, to share that too. 

The truth is all of life is a mixed bag.  This journey has been no different.  I have been to some truly wonderful places, I've made new friends and had some pretty incredible moments, but I have had struggle too.  Thankfully, I have learned on this journey that those feelings are perfectly okay and that it's possible to be having a great time even while carrying a sad heart.  I just wish I'd been more willing to take the mask off a bit sooner.  

Day 6: Two of Disks - Balance in Material Life

I have a confession to make.  The 2 of Disks was the second card I drew from the deck today. My process for using the cards as blogging inspiration has thus far has been this:

1. Sit quietly and attempt to clear my mind (my success on this part varies but I usually at least reach a point of feeling more focused)

2. Shuffle the deck for a period of time and then choose a card.

3. Look at the card and take notes on what the images on it bring to mind for me.

4. Review the card's meaning in the book and take notes on anything that seems to stick out for me.

5. Use these notes as a starting point for my journal writing which thus far has served as a rough draft for the blog post that I share later in the day.

This morning as I began to write in my journal about the first card I drew today I found myself digging deeper and deeper into some very personal stuff.  I hadn't set any parameters as far as what I would or would not share as far as writing that came out of this exercise; my only rule is that I write something each day for the month of December.  As I was writing I began to realize that I really did not want to share what I was writing.  The issues that were coming up were not anything that I'd call bad, they were more things that I'd not given a lot of thought to before.  It was unexplored territory that I'd like to give more attention to. 

So I made the call to make note of this card, put a note in my calendar to come back to it and chose a second card which was the 2 of Disks – Balance in Material Life.  The card is about finding that balance between work and play; exertion and recharging.   I've not always been successful at doing this, particularly when my semester is in full swing, I'm trying to keep up with both school work and my job, while trying to maintain some sort of creative and personal life.  In fact, finding a balance in my life is as close to a New Year's resolution as I get each year.

During my time on this ship I have taken up the habit of daily journaling.  This one hour of my day is mine alone.  It is only a small part of my day but it really helps me to reconnect with myself and begin my day a little more focused and rested.  I hope I am able to keep up this practice when I return to land.  It is one activity that could help me greatly in keeping this sense of balance.

Day 5: Spirit in Matter - Teacher of Wands

The other night I had a conversation with a student about reverse culture shock.  Reverse culture shock is what one experiences when making a return to their culture of origin after being away for an extended time, particularly if that time has been spent in a culture radically different than your own. The student, let's call her Dee, was talking about ways to make the transition to living back at home go more smoothly. 

One of the things Dee talked about was acknowledging the rituals and habits you develop in the new culture; especially those you realize you may not be able to continue to do when you are back at home.  She was planning to make a list of them so that she could either find ways to continue them in some way or, if it is something she isn't able to do at home, to take the time to really savor the remaining times that she does them.

Over these past three months I have had a taste of many different cultures, but the one that I have been immersed in the most is the one that has developed on this ship. 

I am on deck by about 6:00AM every morning.  I bring my journal and, if the weather is dry, I take a seat at one of the tables on Deck 9 and I write for an hour.  I choose a table where I have a view of the dining room so I can see when the coffee is brought out, usually around 6:30AM.  This is my favorite time of day.  The ship is quiet, I often have the deck to myself and I have seen some spectacular sunrises.  During this early hour I have watched birds catch fish, dolphins leap from the sea and this morning, those of us that greeted the dawn were also witness to three water spouts forming in a distant storm.  

At home morning was also my time to write after my early morning walk to the sea.  When I return I will not be staying near the sea and it will be winter.  I don't yet know if I'll find some other place to walk to in the mornings at home and so I am taking extra care to savor the mornings that remain. 

There are other habits I have on the ship.  I have been on deck for the entrance to each port.  I return there for our departure, often staying on deck until the lights of the port fade into the distance.  I walk the decks after each meal and make one last return to Deck 9 to look at the stars before I head to bed each night. 

The card I drew this morning was Teacher of Wands: Spirit in Matter.  One of the things this card relates to is the idea of being more present in our bodies and in the moment we are in.  As this journey nears its end I want to take care to practice some extra mindfulness, especially in those moments that I know may be experienced for the last few times.  I want to remember how sitting on deck watching the sunrise over the Pacific feels.  I want to recall the sensation of the wind on my skin when I stand in the bow watching the birds hover over the sea.  I don't want to forget the sound of the ships horn as we leave port.  I want to recall the hush of the halls when I take a late night walk insomnia walk through the ship.

There are 16 mornings remaining.  I want to remember each one. 

Day 4: The Moon - Peace in the Darkness

This morning I sat on deck reading a My New York:  A Romance in Eight Parts by Peter Selgin.  It is an essay on his up and down love affair with the New York City; his hopes, dreams and imaginings of his life in the city and the fluctuating reality of that life.  He moves between optimism, dread, doubt, loss, hopefulness and bewildered resignation.  In the end I was left with the feeling that he spent most of his life sadly befuddled by his own dissatisfaction.   

It brought to mind a story I read years ago about an addict and his recovery.  There was a moment in the book in which the author was watching his friend dose up and by the expression on his friend's face he knew that she had just experienced what he called the peak high; the high that she'd spend the rest of her life trying to replicate.  It was a turning point for him because he realized then that he'd spent the past decade or so of his life chasing that same high.  It was soon after that he started down the road to recovery.

I don't believe any of us are ever fully satisfied with life.  I think we do experience moments of deep contentment but like everything else in life these moments are temporary. Beyond that, they are not only fleeting but also unique; each moment tied to its own special combination of circumstances that brought the feeling into existence.  Of course the same can be said for any feeling whether it is joy or sadness, anger or a sense of peace, but while we feel relief when the moments of pain pass we are dismayed when the joyful ones fade away.

In the midst of sadness and pain we forget that it will eventually pass and we will spend years trying to chase one moment of joy; a moment that no matter how hard we try can never be replicated.  It isn't that we can't feel joy again, but that we simply won't feel that particular joy in the same way.  We spend a lot of time trying to 'feel good' and we do so much damage to ourselves and our world in the pursuit of that.  We self-medicate with shopping, booze, food, drugs, adrenaline rushes and whatever else we can get out hands one that will help us avoid feeling bad.  It is always the next self-help book, the next workshop, the next ecstatic experience that will be our cure all and when it isn't we think it must mean we are somehow flawed.

While on this Semester at Sea trip I spent a lot of time berating myself for my feelings of homesickness. I questioned how it was possible that I could be doing this amazing thing, feeling a sense of wonder and excitement, and yet also feel so deeply sad inside.  Thankfully when I expressed these feelings someone spoke up and reminded me that it was okay to feel these things.  That there was nothing wrong with me and that it was not only possible to be happy and unhappy at the same time, but that it was 100% okay to be in that place. 

The card I drew today was The Moon: Peace in the Darkness.  It is a card about becoming comfortable with the every changing nature of being human.  Of recognizing that all things in life are in flux and learning to be more present in the moment, not because we seek to deny the future or the past, but because each moment is so fleeting.   We need to accept that it is okay to feel not great at times and that in accepting those feelings, acknowledging them, letting ourselves feel them is a necessary step those feelings moving on.  And we need to remember to not only cherish the more spectacular moments but to also acknowledge their fleeting nature and allow our happy moments to pass, just as we do our less happy ones.  Otherwise we risk becoming like that addict, forever chasing an emotional high that can never be replicated.

Teacher of Cups - Exploring the Inner Landscape

Today we cross from the Atlantic to the Pacific via the Panama Canal.  As we entered the canal at 8:00 this morning I stood on Deck 9 towards the bow and pondered how it was possible that I was about to be one of the few people on Earth who will have this experience.  I knew of the Panama Canal of course but I had never given much thought to the possibility that I might one day be on a ship that would go through it. 

Our ship is now on Lake Gatun.  We are surrounded by rain and fog as we wait for a pilot to take our ship through the Lake to the next set of locks which will bring our ship to the Pacific Ocean.  By the end of the day I will have travelled through one of the world's greatest engineering marvels; one that allows this ship and all her passengers float across the Continental Divide at 85 feet above sea level.  Human beings can do amazing things when we put our minds to it.  I wish though that we'd put our minds to finding a way to live side by side in harmony. 

As we wait for the arrival of our pilot I have come below decks to charge my electronics and to write today's blog post.  The card I drew today is Teacher of Cups: Exploring the Inner Landscape. When I turned the card over its imagery and hidden picture drew me in.  I stared at it for several minutes trying to take in all that was in it.   

I love the idea of this card.   I say I love the "idea" because while I recognize the importance of taking the time to look inside and explore my own inner workings, I have a lot of issues with the behaviors and language that permeate the western self-help and new age culture.  I have an almost reflexive cringe that happens when I hear terms like being your finding happiness, identifying your authentic self or following your bliss.  

The thing is that I know where this cringe reflex comes from.  It stems directly from having witnessed so much bad, unkind, rude and cruel behavior done in the name of bliss chasing and authenticity.  In the extreme I've seen people ditch familial responsibilities and abandon those in need to chase their bliss.  I've heard cruel words said to others in the name of being authentic.  I've seen honesty and authenticity used as an excuse for a lot of selfish behaviors and unnecessary criticism of others.  Knowing oneself should not come at the expense of other people.  We have to learn not only to know ourselves but to also know how we can use that self-knowledge to create a kinder and more compassionate world. 

Looking inward is something I have had ample opportunity to do on this Semester at Sea journey.  I have filled more pages in my hardcopy journal over the past two and half months that I did in all of last year.  But I have had moments where my pen has stalled out on the page because I found myself questioning if the path of self-exploration I am feeling drawn to is a selfish one.  Do I risk becoming one of the bad examples that I have witnessed? 

I suppose that the risk is indeed there, but it is my hope that my awareness of its existence will mean that I remain attentive to it.  Knowing oneself is an ongoing process; one that I'm not sure ever really ends.  Though we can hope that the exploration becomes easier as we become more adept at using the tools we acquire in the process. 

Neither we nor our world is a static place.  Life is always going to challenge and change us.  Knowing myself also means being comfortable with the fact that that self is likely to change.  This might mean that in the end I may never fully know myself and may simply have to settle for a deeper sense of knowing myself better.  Perhaps it is in accepting the fact that even as we explore ourselves more deeply, we are still not ever likely to know everything, that humility is the be found. 

20 Compassion - Transcending Judgement

This morning upon awakening I wrote an email to a friend who is going through a rough time.  I expressed all sort of opinions on what I thought they should or should not do.  Even while writing it I began to realize that much of I was saying was motivated by my own fear.  Yes, there was concern and worry for them, but there was also a whole heap of my own fears of our friendship changing, a smattering of fear from my past experiences in similar situations and a finishing drizzle of fear of the unknown.  It was about ten minutes after sending the email I drew today's card.

20 Compassion – Transcending Judgement. 

I laughed when I saw it.  Okay, perhaps it was more of a rueful snort.  "Yeah, that's right," it seemed to say,  "I'm looking at you Miss Judgypants." 

In more traditional tarot decks this card is Judgement and if often interpreted as weighing of ones "sins" in order to purge yourself of them. In the Tarot of Transformation it is about cultivating compassion, trying to see others and ourselves through compassionate eyes, and seeking an understanding of where the judgements we make come from. 

Fear can be something difficult to control, particularly if it stems from past traumas or hurts.  When something sets that fear response off we simply react, "Oh, shit…here we go again!  Batten down the hatches, prepare the cannons, it's time to defend!!!"

In these moments I can be overwhelmed with a head to toe need to protect myself and my heart. I may get defensive, push people away, mentally scream at the top of my lungs about how wrong I think someone is.   Often it will not be until after the fact that I will fully understand what just happened.   And then, I find my judgement turned fully upon myself, berating myself for my lack of compassion and my inability to recognize my own fears. 

I know that part of overcoming this is to learn to accept myself more, to understand that I am just as imperfect as everyone else and should extend the same compassion to myself that I hope to extend to others.  It is also continuing to try to be more present in my own mind and my body so that I may be more aware of when my own insecurities and fears are rising up to take control. It is an ongoing process...

Day 1: Ten of Disks - The Great View

  11® 26.93" N

075® 07.44 W

Today, December 1, 2015, marks the first day of my annual month of blogging.  I don't recall if this is my fourth or fifth year of doing this but it has at least been long enough to become established as my annual writing ritual.

Each year I write a blog post a day for one month.  I usually register my blog with the BlogHer site for this but as I am currently in the middle of the Caribbean without regular internet access that will have to wait a few more days.  BlogHer also provides a focus for the month and blog prompts for each weekday, which I usually read but rarely follow unless I am at a loss for inspiration.  These prompts are something else I will not have regular access to.  My month of blogging does not usually have a theme though with the year nearing its end there have certainly been more than a few retrospective, assessment of the year and looking back type of posts. 

This year however I am choosing to do something a little different.  I have decided each morning to draw a tarot card to use as my focus for writing each day.  This is a practice that, though not generally done daily, has been a fairly regular part of my personal journaling over the past year. 

I have a long history with tarot cards having bought my first deck when I was about 13 years old. The first person I ever did a reading for was my mother at our kitchen table.  Since then I have had periods of intense study with them and times periods as long as several months in which I would barely touch a deck.  I've used them as a focus for meditation, clarification on personal issues and artistic inspiration.  I've done readings for friends, family and strangers.  I am fascinated with their history, the plethora of decks that have been created and the stories behind each image.  Whether or not you believe in the more metaphysical aspects of their history, there is more than enough inspiration and insight to be gained from the images and stories they contain. 

I will primarily be using the Tarot of Transformation which was created by Willow Arlenea and Jasmin Lee Cori.  This is the deck which I chose to bring with me on my three month Semester at Sea journey and has also been the primary deck that I have worked with over the past year. 

Today I drew the Ten of Disks – The Great View.  When I first look at this card I get a sense of soaring and seeking.  The book describes it as being "both/and," engaging fully in the details of life without losing the larger view or higher perspective.  It also talks of it being representative of manifesting things in the material world while keeping true to one's personal and spiritual values.

This trip, and stepping out of my life for three months, has provided me with the opportunity to not only view my life from a distance but to also ponder some of the details in a way that is more detached than is possible when living in the midst of it.  Even without this card I have come to the realization of my own tendency to be very either/or when it comes to the details and the higher view.  It is very easy for me to get bogged down in the minutia of the day to day, forgetting that each step taken and every small goal achieved is generally in service of some larger goal.  I can also become easily lost in looking far ahead or reviewing life goals and desires; lost to the point of being nearly overwhelmed with anxiety of how I might possibly accomplish all I wish to.  What is needed is the balance of recognizing the role that the small steps play as building blocks of the greater goal and to find ways to not lose sight of that. 

As for the second part, the one of manifesting things on the material plane while being true to one's personal and spiritual values, that is something that has always been an ongoing process for me.  It is why I have chosen to study sustainable business and environmental sustainability.  I believe it is possible to have a life in which my needs are met, I feel personally fulfilled and that I am contributing towards making the world a better place.  Now, I don't have any illusions that achieving any of this will be easy and I expect a heck of a lot of stumbling blocks along the way, not to mention the limitations of my own remaining life span, but it is something I believe I can succeed at. 

I'm looking forward to sharing the next month of blogging with you!  Peace.