Thursday, September 15, 2011

As I Am

Intimacy is being seen and known as the person you truly are.” - Amy Bloom

Wednesday was math night.  I have this class two nights a week and to say that I’ve gotten a bit behind on the homework is well, it’s the truth. Due to missing the first week of classes I am behind by about three assignments.  Thankfully at this point I am not behind in my understanding of the work we are doing.  However, I am teetering on the edge of being in that place and so I’ve reached buckle down time.  I have to spend the time between now and Monday’s class, when we have an exam, catching up on the work so that I can pass the test, end the semester with the grade I’d like (an A) and have an understanding of the work. 

In addition to the math class, I’ve a chapter of economics to read, an English essay to write and the first act of Othello to read.   Outside of school I have work, a drumming lesson, a performance event, rehearsing for a future performance, writing two blog posts, meeting a friend’s potential ‘forever’ and preparation for my troupe’s show in October.  Oh, and eating, sleeping, laundry, exercise and kitty care.  Now I’m not complaining, though I admit to feeling some anxiety and stress about it.  I am happy to be doing all of these things and though time will be tight, with some careful scheduling I will complete all of my tasks.  It does mean some sacrifice and the biggest thing that will have to be set aside is my social life.  It is for a limited time, about two weeks, until work settles down and I have more free hours. 

There was a time in when the prospect of withdrawing from the people in my life, even temporarily would send me into a state of anxiety and worry.  I spent a good part of my life basing my personal value on whether or not I thought certain people approved of me, or thought I was smart enough, or pretty enough, or attentive enough, or if they loved me enough, or….or….or…or…and while this led me to try a lot of new things (urban surfing, six inch heels, my tenth attempt at reading Moby Dick, training for a cross country bike trip…) it led me to give up a lot of things (writing, dancing, friends, school, the cross country bike trip…) and in the end, I still didn’t feel good about myself or my relationships. 

Eventually I learned what is one of those should be obvious but is still difficult to understand life lessons.  The only opinion of me that really mattered was (Ding!  Ding!  Ding!) my own! And yeah, I also wised up about the people in my life, because approval or not my choices were not the best. 

I know that if in the next week or so I need to decline an invitation for a drink, or if I ask to postpone a dinner invitation because I must use that time to finish homework, rehearse or write a set list, that my friends will understand.  They are not going to suddenly love me less or get miffed and never call me again.  They are my friends because they love me for who I am, and pursuing my dreams with a certain amount of determination is what I do.  The people in my life today would likely lose a bit of respect for me if I gave up parts of what make me, me simply because I thought it might please them.   I am happy that is the case.

PS – this was written after returning from class on Wednesday night.  This morning another bit of chaos was thrown into the works.  One my kitties has taken ill and is undergoing surgery tomorrow.  Tonight I am also glad for the busy-busy of my life as it is proving a nice distraction from my worry about her.  All signs show that she will pull through just fine but I still feel a bit anxious about it.   Also want to send a thank you to those who offered up nice thoughts and well wishes on Twitter and Facebook today.

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