Tears irrigate the heart...

Today began after a night of not enough sleep and a breakfast of coffee and apple crisp (it's homemade, organic and gluten free...healthy, right?).

I arrived at school to discover I'd completely forgotten about an exam in my environmental science class. Just absolutely, 100% spaced it.  I've no idea how I did but I'm pretty sure my grade will shame even my inner high school slacker. (I sat in the bathroom after and cried).

Feeling discouraged I boarded the intercampus shuttle bus and as I settled in for a nap I overheard the woman a few seats in front of me telling her friend about a recent loss of a friend to brain cancer.  She then said  her mother had just called and told her that her dog of 13 years had passed away that morning. She felt regret that when she'd visited this past weekend she not hugged the dog before heading back to school.  She was in a hurry because she had an exam to study for and she'd just felt she'd didn't have time to spare.  She cried. (and so did I).

I slept on the bus but awoke with a headache and stiff neck to find the bus driver standing over me asking if I was okay. I told him yes, I was just tired.  I left the bus and sat beneath a maple tree.  As my head began to pound, pound, pound I realized how hungry I was and then of course realized I had no cash.   Up from the depths came that feeling of...

...not-having-enough-time,-enough-money,-enough-sleep-and-oh,-gods-I'm-about-to-cry-here-beneath-this-tree-and-I-so-wish-I-was-not-by-myself-right-now-how-to-I-ask-for-help-when-everytime-I-ask-for-help-I-feel-like-I'm-whining-and-I-should-just-such-it-up-like-everyone-else-does? (I cried again...again...and created some snot for good measure).

I knew I couldn't handle work today between my pounding headache and the faucet of tears I'd become so I asked if I could just go home and possibly make up hours over the weekend.  Upon hearing my request and seeing my face I was told, "Yes, go home...get some rest."

I boarded public transit. Changed busses.  Passengers boarded a few stops after I did began discussing the fate of one woman's "crazy ex-boyfriend" who was now serving time in jail for the horrible, horrible things he did to a child.  I was the auditory witness to her sharing the details of the things he used to do to her and to others while he made her watch.  I left the bus feeling sick to my stomach, angry that I'd been an unwilling audience to the story and then overwhelmingly sad that someone had experienced what she did.

I went home. took an ibuprofen and crawled into bed.  There I hugged my pillow and I sobbed.  I sobbed for myself and the how lost I feel right now; for the young student and her loss of her friend and her dog; I sobbed for the woman on the bus and the horrors she went through; and all the other horrors of the world. I sobbed because I felt so small in the face of all of it. I sobbed into my pillow and all over my cat.  I cried and cried and cried until I fell asleep.

I awoke nearly four hours later, about a half hour ago, feeling as though a stopper had been pulled up from the depths of my insides.

I feel emptied out, unblocked.  I feel defiant; wanting to shake a fist of beauty in the face of the world's ugliness.

And here we are...

It is blog post day and try as I might even with an entire day off with no plans I've not managed to write a thing.  Maybe I do better under the pressure of my self imposed one hour 6:30 - 7:30 Monday morning scheduled time for blog post writing (today I was asleep from 6:30 - 7:30).

I did however manage to find time to watch this video, which did resonate with me.  It's worth the watch and if I have one of those days in which I'm feeling particularly confessional I may share exactly why it did.

Until next time...

My stormy Monday night wish list...

What do you wish for on this Monday night wherever you may be?

1. A late night coffee shop in my favorite city (Portland, Maine)
2. A Sunday subscription to the New York Times
3. Quiet Sunday afternoons to enjoy wish No. 2
4. Footed jammies for tall women
5. Pretty wool leggings to keep me warm on walks to school
6. A winter midnight picnic beneath a full moon that sparkles the snow
7. A surprise potluck dinner with all my friends
8. That I get at least all Bs this semester (I'm starting to worry)
9. World peace
10. Cuddles and snacks for all the pets in the world, and full bellies and warm toes for all their people.

So you want to be a non-traditional student...

At the beginning of every school year there are numerous articles shared on news sites and blogs that give all sorts of advice to incoming college freshman. They offer ways to deal with homesickness, how to make friends, doing laundry and keeping up with homework. It's all generally pretty good advice and if you are your typical college freshman, living in a dorm and college IS your life they can be quite helpful. But what about the rest of us?

What about those of us who already have well established lives with jobs, families, a strong circle of friends, hobbies, and living spaces to maintain? Making a return to school, whether part-time or full-time will be a huge adjustment for us too. Where is the “What You Should Know About Returning to College When You Already Have a Life?” Well, it's here, finally. At least here are five pieces of advice I wish I'd been given when I decided to make the return to school.

1. You will question your sanity. (and likely loose your shit at least once) It may happen on a Friday night around 11:30 PM when everyone else in your time zone is either asleep or out sipping fancy cocktails at your favorite bar. Or it will happen as your alarm goes off at 4:00 AM so you can get up early enough to squeeze in a run before you head to the library to give your paper one last review before handing it in. Or it may happen in a class when you realize every evening of your week is booked and the professor just asked you to squeeze one more assignment into your schedule and you suddenly break into tears. It will happen. It will likely happen more than once but you will be okay.

You've just taken what is your already full time life and heaped 10 to 15 hours of classes and another 20 hours of homework on top of it. That's like taking on a second full-time job. Life can go from busy to go-go-go-go! It's going to be a major adjustment. What do you do about it? Take advantage of peace where you find it – sitting beneath a tree between classes, a 20 minute walk in the afternoon or reading a chapter in a non-school book before bed.

My morning coffee time is sacred. It might be the only 15 minutes of sitting still in my day and I treasure it.

2. Sleep is just as important at 30, 40, 50...as it is at 18. Nearly every article out there for new freshmen tells them that they need to make sure they get enough sleep. It holds just a true for those they call non-traditional students. Enough sleep will go far in preventing excessive recurrences of item number one. And here is where the adults have the advantage, while many articles state that most teenagers need anywhere from 8.5 to 10 hours of sleep, we can get by with 8 to 9. That's an extra hour of study time!

Now I know as well as anyone that 8 hours of sleep was a near impossibility for most us before we returned to school (heck I probably average about four to five hours a night if I'm lucky) but try to get a full night as often as you can. It makes a world of difference.

3. Your friends will wonder where you have gone (and you will miss them). You will say, “I'm sorry, I can't (attend the baby shower, potluck, go have a beer, see a movie...etc.) because I have (homework, reading to to do, research, a paper to write...etc),” often enough to sound like a broken record. This part does kind of suck especially if, like me, you were a very social person before you decided to make the return to school. It can be especially hard when you do see your friends and they are all swapping stories about gatherings you were not able to attend. It can be so easy to feel like you are missing out on something and that blows at any age.

First take a moment to recognize that you are doing something important for yourself. You made the decision to return to school because you wanted to. Your friends will recognize that and hopefully be supportive. Second, you will have time that you are not in school. There will be holidays, vacations and summer break. During these times you can make an extra effort to spend time with those you love. Third, take time to at least make an appearance at the important events like weddings and birthday parties even if you can only stop in for fifteen minutes it will be a way to show you still exist and likely be a nice break from the school grind for you.

And fourth. When you are done all of this and you finally take that walk to be handed your diploma you can throw one hell of a party and invite them all.

4. Don't compare yourself to other students. I'm not talking about those brand new freshmen. I'm talking about the 35 year old mom who is in your sociology class, or the 47 year old man in the suit who rushes into accounting with only seconds to spare, or the 51 year old artist who always has something interesting to say in your intro to lit course (all of whom get straight A's). It can be so easy to say to yourself, “I should be handling this better. I mean so & so is (a mom, a CEO, managing a their own business...) and they can pull it off.” or “Well of course she has it easy. The husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend takes care of dinner and the house while s/he does school work.” or just “Everyone seems to have it soooooo much easier than me.”

Your situation is just that, it's yours. You can't know what the life of another person is like. Those other students may be looking at you and thinking, “Oh this would be so much easier if I were single like her. She must have so much free time on her hands.” Right, because all you did before school was sit around petting the cat and eating nachos. Keep the focus on yourself and your work. You are doing the best you can within your own set of circumstances just as they are.

Finally avoid at all costs that “who has it worse” conversation that inevitably comes up if you have a friend in school at the same time as you. Neither of you will be willing to give up your grip on the gold medal for exhaustion so why go there?

5. Recognize that it this has an end. Every semester brings you one step closer and at some point in the future you will take your last class; the hard work will pay off and you will be handed your degree. Really, it will end, you will have time to breathe again and then you can start to make plans for graduate school!

There are probably a few other things I could add like B's are an okay grade, schedule EVERYTHING and coffee will be your best friend but those five items are the basics. If you are currently a student or considering a return I do hope you find them helpful.

See you next week.

4:00 AM

Sunrise - Summer 2013

Monday morning. 4:00 AM. I am wide awake. The alarm isn't due to sound off for another hour. I want to stay in bed but as I lay still in the dark beneath my covers telling myself that it's cozy and warm here, why would I want to get up, I can hear the mumbling in the back of my brain that is already beginning to catalog my every growing To Do List.


I close my eyes and roll over. I decide to stay in bed just on principle. One of my cats has become alert to my wakeful state and has jumped on the bed purring. She begins to knead herself a nest right next to my chest. She nuzzles my cheek seeking affection. I push her away, “It's too early,” I mumble. She circles and purring settles in against me, purring, purring, purring, purring...


Determined to not get up I pull the covers to my cheek, take a deep breath and exhale willing myself to relax. I drift for a moment but then realize my right foot is chilly. It has worked it's way out from under the covers. I pull it in beneath the blankets. This shift of my lower limb brings my knees into contact with each other and shifts my hips. I realize that to stay in this position will mean that my left foot will soon fall asleep.


I roll over, trying to not disturb the cat. As roll my blankets travel with me; my sheet remains pinned beneath the cat. My entire backside begins to feel the morning chill. I wiggle and shift to slide my blankets back into place. This results in a slight smothering of the cat who wakes and walks across my pillow to sit in front of me (purr, purr, purr, purr, purr...). She meows once.


One open eye catches the light of the clock. 4:21 AM. I wonder how long it is until sunrise. I reach for my phone and quickly check. 6:37 AM. I could get up, write, have coffee and then walk to view the sun coming up over the bay. I switch to my weather app to see if the sky is clear enough to watch the day begin. No, I think to myself. Sleep. Sleep is what you need.


I set the phone on the night stand and close my eyes. I begin to drift. A single paw taps me gently on the cheek. Meow. Purr. Purr. Purr. A second tap, followed by a head butt. Meow. I realize the cat's motivation has switched from affection to breakfast. Tap, tap.


Tap.


Tap.


4:27 AM. I give in. Sunrise, here I come.

All by myself...

“My idea of a good night has always been having a lovely meal and a proper conversation.” Kirsty Gallacher

I am half way through the third (fourth?) week of the fall semester. I think I am finally beginning to establish a rhythm to school, work, homework, teaching, creating and self care. It is so very easy when I become busy to neglect the last item from this list. It is often easier to eat a bowl of popcorn for dinner than a balanced meal or to push myself to stay up later than usual to finish some project or homework. I've done rather well with making sure so far I get enough sleep and eat right. However there is still one area that I am struggling with.

In the midst of those days filled with work, school and creative projects a feeling of isolation can slowly creep up on me. . Life becomes one long to do list,checking one item off and moving on to the next. I can spend an entire day holed up in my apartment often within the confines of my room working towards deadline after deadline.

Of course many of the things I do involve human contact. Attending school and creative collaboration definitely require interaction with other people. However, it is a very different thing to spend two hours with someone working on choreography or listening to a lecture and spending two hours in a conversation with no agenda.

With all of the homework, rehearsing, and work I am too distracted to notice until one day I have a moment to breathe. At first I will putter around the apartment, taking care of minor housekeeping tasks that I've neglected. I'll sort my socks, alphabetize my books, update my Netflix queue...I walk a circuit of my home, straightening misaligned coffee table books and picking lint off the futon cover. I ask Miss Pickles if she'd like to go grab a cup of coffee and a moment later I remember that she is a cat, has no thumbs and no interest in coffee.

This semester I'm making an effort to not let disconnection become a habit. I have plenty of time to myself, which like most of us I need a significant amount of, but I also need an equal amount of time where where I can, however briefly, set aside the to do list and step out of the role of student, or teacher, or director to spend time with those I love.

So anyone up for coffee sometime in November?

Find a Way...

There isn't a whole lot that I can add to the story of Diana Nyad and her 110 mile swim from Cuba to the United States.  I was excited as anyone to read about her accomplishment, an amazing feat of stamina, endurance and determination.  Within moments of her completion word began to spread and it was only minutes before her story was lighting up my facebook and twitter feeds.

I love stories of those who have overcome incredible obstacles to pursue and accomplish their dreams. I find extra inspiration in the stories great physical feats because when I read or hear them it I nearly always have the thought that if this person can do that thing then maybe I really can do this thing, particularly since this thing isn't likely to be swimming 110 miles or climbing the worlds tallest mountain or solo skiing across the south pole.  

For me this thing is finishing my BA, learning to sail, hiking Maine's 100 Mile Wilderness with friends, becoming a better dancer or living in a yurt for a year.  Compared to swimming through night and day in icy cold, jelly fish and shark infested waters my goals seem rather safe and tame.  I might lose some sleep studying for a mid-term but I'm not in immediate danger of hypothermia or having my toes nipped off.   

I will still however have to struggle with self doubt or questioning if the (time, effort, money) is worth it.  I am quite sure I will face moments where I just want to put things off or give up entirely.  I'll think I'm too old or too tired to make it.  I hope if my thoughts turn that way I will think of something Diana Nyad said in an interview with CBS This Morning:

"It doesn't matter ... what you come up against because none of it's going to be pleasant. You're hardly ever out there going, 'Oh, my God, isn't it a beautiful moon tonight?' The crew is feeling that. But you're kind of suffering through the whole thing. So my thought was, 'everything you come up against say -- and this is why people are relating to my story -- all of us suffer heartache. All of us suffer difficulties in our lives. And if you say to yourself 'find a way,' you'll make it through."